Getting to Zero

I came across this blog post by Callie Oettinger on Steven Pressfields’ blog.  The part about ‘Getting to Zero’ spinned me into an introspective mood.

…My read on Boyd’s “zero” is that getting to zero best enables you to live the person you want to be. You don’t have to get rid of every need (such as food), but everything else. . . Getting to zero gets you to your heart. It could also be that place that allows you to zero in on what’s important to you.

I started wondering how many times in my past have I touched the lowest point. And I mean, in life as a whole and not just in career or relationship or family e.t.c. If it is the ‘point-null’ then it is a crucial point in your life (not for a part of it).
This post is not about ranting – it is about looking at reflections of myself from the past. Pardon me if it gets boring or tiresome(and sorry, I for no pictures). Things like this is not what I talk about to anybody; it is all reserved inside. This is to let everybody in and let them also reflect back on it.

“Getting to zero gets you to your heart.”

This line poked through my brain, not heart. Because my brain now understands why it happened. Heart is an innocent one – it can only know the feeling of abyss not the Whys & Hows of it. The point is ‘Getting to zero’ does gets to your heart.

In this emotional state, one can only have his/her heart to grab on to – for help, for support, for hope. And in that moment of void – the action one takes defines him/her. The action directly comes from ones heart and pushes out the most powerful facet of the will of a person.

So, in the quest to know myself deeper – I want to know my ‘Zero-points’ in the past, and what action I took, and why.

As far as I can recall, I think one point came to me during y school days. When all your childish and childlike notions and the views of the world crumbles in the face of reality and competition. I cannot pin-point the year or any incident – but i think it was the ending 2-3 years of school. When I actually faced competition and had to take it serious.
So, what i did? – I went with the herd. I did not have enough mental sharpness to think of my own – I was simply an innocent being. I am clueless about what happened around me at those time. (Yeah, even at such an age.)

The next came when I faced the next wave of reality – graduating from college. By this time, I had started to read voraciously and was on a crazy ride to learn everything. I had acquired a personal way of thinking and reasoning. With all this knowledge – i became confused – too confused. I  had diverse and volatile interests. I can look into any direction and see some path which can be tread or which I can carve out. Made it so hard to choose any one of them.
( I find myself still in that same state confusion, but now I have started to walk on few of them – simultaneously – thinning myself at times)

 So in those moments of chasm, what i did ? I blamed. Blamed my fate. Blamed myself (mostly). Blamed all the unbaked and incomplete knowledge. Blamed the system. Blamed my education. Blamed my parents even. A frustrated, cynical, self-critical, negative… – these words would paint my inner mindset at those time. However, outside I was not like that – I was more or less normal – defending the inner vulnerable fool. This point placed me into more practical path to life – let’s just say I became a realist(or rational optimist not pessimist).

Any other ‘Null-point’ moments after that??

Two word Psychology and knowledge. I have come to unravel my inner psych and started to acquire external knowledge after the last ‘Null-point’.  Recently, when reading one of Dan Ariely’s book – I found these lines pointing to my reality –

“We are storytelling creatures by nature, and we tell ourselves story after story until we come up with an explanation that we like and that sounds reasonable enough to believe.”

I have become too good at self-story-telling. It does not mean I am living in my delusions. My stories have touch of realism and facts. It is the balancing of the ‘blacks’ and ‘whites’ of life to get a ‘Grey’ of my suiting. That is perhaps why I can give people a good advice grounded in reality, and yet shooting for the clouds.

Lately, I am feeling that I am getting close to my next ‘Zero’ moment in life. My curiosity is clamouring for it. My heart is anxious about it. My brain is avoiding it all the time.

I need some body or only a single soul to point to me the reality when it strikes me. Living in ones own delusional reality is far worse than the actual painful reality. One can remain in that void forever,if he/she does not stands up to the reality. I hope that person breaks it to me when the time comes. Or Perhaps I have found such person or I am still waiting for him/her.
(yesterday, when one concerned friend pointed it to me, i revised my story – I am yet to get to zero.)

Have you had such ‘null-points’ ? What did you find about yourself ?
(If you want to share it with me – I would be glad to hear it.My mail info is on About page for sharing it privately.)

Arigato. 🙂

P.S – Now after writing this I am wondering – is it also one of my ways to weave a story or is it a way to face reality?

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31/13

It is 6pm in the evening and let me tell you that I am trying since morning to write a post. Therefore, I stopped trying and just wrote it.

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE. 😀

So should I make it a ‘rant‘ post or ‘looking back in the mirror‘ post or may be ‘resolutions & progress made‘ post.

As I am an engineer and the habit of rushing things on the last day has not yet left me. I thought about writing all the three posts. But, I think I will do good with this single one only. I will make it a long post.

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RANT

I was not writing anything for quite some time because I was travelling to meet my friends and did not have any access to my laptop. Second, I wanted to read, actually, rush some of easy reads before the year end.
Third, i got addicted to gaming again. I tried hard to leave it or control the hours I spend on it, but the geniuses who created those games have got me stuck with them.
And Finally, the greatest & most primal reason – the resistance of procrastination.
I kept scribbling & doodling in my notepad all this time. Some of which I really want to put on this blog and some of which are personal(private access only).
That will be enough of rant and now I can move ahead.

T-Fish

T-Fish

DARSHAN‘ / Looking back in 2013

One of the symbolic meaning of mirror is about ‘darshan‘ i.e. reflecting back. So, as the year is ending i would like to reflect back into 2013 and leave everything where they belong – in the past.

This year was awesome and amazing. To be honest it was wonderful on a personal & inner level. It was awesome on social & friend level. It was never like this.(Well each year is unique in itself)

I found myself opening up to more people. I made new and great friends on both virtual & physical world. I also found a unique and special friend. I still am single though, no luck on the love lane. 😛 If you have ever met me earlier and would have met me this year – you would have seen the difference. (If I don’t like you or you are one of my buddies – you would not find me any different )

I had lots of time for soul searching this year.(staying around 8 months in a single room away from disturbance – me and I alone – it is bound to happen).
It was revealing and beautiful. Sometimes painful and dreadful too. The main point is I kept on growing out of them. Growth of the inner and outer self.
Though, being a self-critic and a realist , I still tend to water down all the progress I made. I find my demons still lurking around. I tend to have conversation with them now instead of fearing them.

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PROGRESS 

I searched for my last year resolution or to-do list but couldn’t find it. Let me recall from my memory then.

BloggingCheck (= kept on blogging.

Drawing & GraphicsCheck (= doodled a lot and made some nice graphics also. [ NOTE – More & Better are the words for 2014]

Diary/LogCheck (= It is one of the best thing I started doing this year.

SpanishFail )= forgot what little I learned. Sliding it to next year.

ReadingCheck (= Challenged myself to read 50 books and ended up reading 72.

ExaminationCheck (= cleared UPSC prelims & gave mains. Waiting for the results now. It will decide my future course of action.

Writing a bookCheck (= Hell Yeah!! I wrote it. Working on correcting & editing it, then next step will be to get it published.

CodingFail )= Completely forgotten all the programming languages. Tried practicing it around mid year but left it in mid way.

WebsiteFail )= The coding part is connected to this one.

Exercise/ lose weight – Neutral. I will not say failed. The progress was like a sine-wave – filled with ups & downs. I remained at the same point.

I am like this only. Trying to spread myself thin by going into so many directions. But I have found the trick now – I don’t take everything all at once. I choose 2-3 points only and work on them incessantly till i exhausted. This method needs a lot of improvement, it is liable to minor disturbances also – specially to ‘mood swings’ & ‘friends & family’.

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TO-DOs 2014

While writing the above part, I have decided I will sleep on it a bit more. I will post it in new year only. 😀 😀

It is evening people – time to party & enjoy. Make merry the end of 2013. Stop reading this and I am finished writing this – move outside or move near your loved ones.

Welcome the new year.

Happy Endings to 2013.

Arigato 😀 😀