Tipping on Codes

(Rant)

You know about my goals for this year (check here).

I am working on the coding this blog from scratch; hacking using resources on the web. And to make it clear – I am a computer science graduate. 😛

However, for the last 2 years I have been far far away from any programming language. I was busy pursuing other goals (tedious goals). I want to brush up my coding skills now. And it is getting annoying and exhausting for me. 😦

I am tipping on small small stuff. I am unable to write a good piece of code by myself. I am constantly asking the Google God about possible solutions. As I see it, I have not lost the basic concepts yet. Though, the language has taken new forms, so many new functionalities have been added. I am trumped by the amount of things you can do so easily now. I am still struggling even with improved functionality.

Now I understand how it must have felt when people used to come to ask about coding to me. I mean they were smart but still had problem figuring things out. *Sigh* I have a similar conditions now. And I do not even have anyone to ask about such little things, except googling. 😛

Further, about standards and professional looking site and code – I am still in amateur group. I am frequently trashing my designs and codes because they look shitty to me. It gets frustrating to end up with a bad output after hours of work. 😦

I am moving forward with half baked products now. I want to get to some end product – a good enough site. Then I will keep on iterating the process until I make it good enough. I wish to do it fast actually, like before the end of next month.

Well, do tell me if you have some good tip on writing a code. Actually tell me about some way to learn the new languages fast. Would really help ?

Arigato.

 

On Motivation

“A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.”
― Ayn Rand

For the last three days, I was searching for motivation. Something which can push me to write something and then push me further to finish it. Yeah, both are separate from each other. The push to start is not the same as the push to end. It seldom is same.

Have you seen an empty canvas? or an empty page? or a void in your life ?

They all let you imagine anything you want. They lay there looking at you. Waiting for you to put something on them – fill them up with something you want. They want you to act.

They become a beast, a demon for me. Constantly taunting me, looking into my eyes, with sinister smiles. And most people will stop there & run away or let it be or simply destroy the stage. The fear binds you and snatches that precious moment of action from you. So how do I act?

I like to keep my demons along. I like to mingle with them. I like to live around them.

When I am faced by one such demon. I simply say ‘Hello’ to it. If I look at a blank canvas – I would throw a color on it, or make any random stroke on it. If I look at a sheet of paper – I will doodle on it, scribble on it. I will place any silly idea into the void. The main point is – in case of fear – I take silly action, even if it turns out to be a mistake.

And that little silly action – motivates me to move ahead. The huge possibility of better & foolish things fills up my mind-space. That imagined world charged with the creative energy propels me to keep on moving. That is all the motivation one needs to keep on dreaming and keep on taking action.

Whatever one fills in those dreams – will affect the path one chooses, the mobility to get to the dream, the perseverance to face the problems, the tenacity to keep on a single path.
What you imagine will either motivate you or demotivate you. And sometimes will lead you to change paths or stop in your journey.

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”
― Zig Ziglar

And I am in love with it. No, Not with the fear. Fear is dreadful.

I am in love with the ability to change my imagination at will. I can keep evolving my dreams – I can keep changing them. It is amazing. However, the more dependent you are on the external sources for this imagination – the more dependent you are on others for motivation. They will decide it for you my friend.

From the recent meetings with friends, i came to know that generally people have this perception that I am aloof, proud, crazy, lonely, e.t.c. Sorry, if you feel like that. Well, some part of it is true also, and some of it is the ‘detachment’. I want to take control of my world. I am trying to work on it – it gets crazy sometimes. And that leads me to the last part – the part which motivates you to end it all.

The vision of the golden egg at the end of the line. The view of the goal post.
The excitement of getting to the last page. The satisfaction of the last stroke of brush.
The pat on the back or the hug from the loved ones. The achievement of standing on the podium or receiving an award.
The pride of increasing bank balance. The lust of an object.
The love of a person. The attainment of moksha.

To be honest,this part of motivation still eludes me.

At that stage, there is no demon left to taunt me. They are all standing beside me. The quest to growth keeps my imagination rolling and I keep on moving.
Sometimes I imagine that all these demons see their own finish line ;and at the sight of it, we all fall into a chaos of individual race to the finish. And sometimes I imagine that the vision of the golden egg does not mesmerize me. Howsoever it may be, I hope that in my journey when I decide to stop and look back at the path I traveled – I find the finish lines crossed.

“Do not stop thinking of life as an adventure. You have no security unless you can live bravely, excitingly, imaginatively; unless you can choose a challenge instead of competence.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt,

This post is part of the Dungeon Prompts Season 2 : Motivation.

UPDATE: Other contributors for the Motivation Prompt :

Role Model – The Story of an Ordinary Girl

Positive Push – Dream Cloud Diaries

Walking With Reason – MarthaOstout

Motivation – Writing Works in Progress

Motivation – Human in Recovery

What Motivates Me? (Haiku) – Traces of the Soul

Motivation – Cher Shares

Dreams – Writing Works in Progress

The Struggle Between Mind and Matter – The Seeker’s Dungeon

The Meaning of Motivation Changed – Shadows of the Divine

When You Call Me – SplitSpeak

One Square Root of One Percent – My Spirit Journey

 
Arigato. 🙂

31/13

It is 6pm in the evening and let me tell you that I am trying since morning to write a post. Therefore, I stopped trying and just wrote it.

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE. 😀

So should I make it a ‘rant‘ post or ‘looking back in the mirror‘ post or may be ‘resolutions & progress made‘ post.

As I am an engineer and the habit of rushing things on the last day has not yet left me. I thought about writing all the three posts. But, I think I will do good with this single one only. I will make it a long post.

20121115_142425 copy4

RANT

I was not writing anything for quite some time because I was travelling to meet my friends and did not have any access to my laptop. Second, I wanted to read, actually, rush some of easy reads before the year end.
Third, i got addicted to gaming again. I tried hard to leave it or control the hours I spend on it, but the geniuses who created those games have got me stuck with them.
And Finally, the greatest & most primal reason – the resistance of procrastination.
I kept scribbling & doodling in my notepad all this time. Some of which I really want to put on this blog and some of which are personal(private access only).
That will be enough of rant and now I can move ahead.

T-Fish

T-Fish

DARSHAN‘ / Looking back in 2013

One of the symbolic meaning of mirror is about ‘darshan‘ i.e. reflecting back. So, as the year is ending i would like to reflect back into 2013 and leave everything where they belong – in the past.

This year was awesome and amazing. To be honest it was wonderful on a personal & inner level. It was awesome on social & friend level. It was never like this.(Well each year is unique in itself)

I found myself opening up to more people. I made new and great friends on both virtual & physical world. I also found a unique and special friend. I still am single though, no luck on the love lane. 😛 If you have ever met me earlier and would have met me this year – you would have seen the difference. (If I don’t like you or you are one of my buddies – you would not find me any different )

I had lots of time for soul searching this year.(staying around 8 months in a single room away from disturbance – me and I alone – it is bound to happen).
It was revealing and beautiful. Sometimes painful and dreadful too. The main point is I kept on growing out of them. Growth of the inner and outer self.
Though, being a self-critic and a realist , I still tend to water down all the progress I made. I find my demons still lurking around. I tend to have conversation with them now instead of fearing them.

mhbb1

PROGRESS 

I searched for my last year resolution or to-do list but couldn’t find it. Let me recall from my memory then.

BloggingCheck (= kept on blogging.

Drawing & GraphicsCheck (= doodled a lot and made some nice graphics also. [ NOTE – More & Better are the words for 2014]

Diary/LogCheck (= It is one of the best thing I started doing this year.

SpanishFail )= forgot what little I learned. Sliding it to next year.

ReadingCheck (= Challenged myself to read 50 books and ended up reading 72.

ExaminationCheck (= cleared UPSC prelims & gave mains. Waiting for the results now. It will decide my future course of action.

Writing a bookCheck (= Hell Yeah!! I wrote it. Working on correcting & editing it, then next step will be to get it published.

CodingFail )= Completely forgotten all the programming languages. Tried practicing it around mid year but left it in mid way.

WebsiteFail )= The coding part is connected to this one.

Exercise/ lose weight – Neutral. I will not say failed. The progress was like a sine-wave – filled with ups & downs. I remained at the same point.

I am like this only. Trying to spread myself thin by going into so many directions. But I have found the trick now – I don’t take everything all at once. I choose 2-3 points only and work on them incessantly till i exhausted. This method needs a lot of improvement, it is liable to minor disturbances also – specially to ‘mood swings’ & ‘friends & family’.

metoooeoeoe copy

TO-DOs 2014

While writing the above part, I have decided I will sleep on it a bit more. I will post it in new year only. 😀 😀

It is evening people – time to party & enjoy. Make merry the end of 2013. Stop reading this and I am finished writing this – move outside or move near your loved ones.

Welcome the new year.

Happy Endings to 2013.

Arigato 😀 😀

15 more days…

Yesterday I realized, only half a month is left for next year to knock at the doors.

Then I searched for what I was writing and thinking last year around the same time. Last year, i decided to act & start doing things which I would like to do and not make excuses for them. Now when I check them I ask myself – how far I acted on them?

Check this – for last year in view

I know I have again faltered on so many deadlines & projects which I wanted to complete by the end of this year.

But before I answer the question about ‘How Far’ – I looked again at the calender. I have 15 more days to go. I can walk, actually run, in these coming days to cover more ground before the year ends.

Right now I am working on designing this blog theme from scratch, more of hack it. It will be simple in interface and little bit weird on design part. You must have seen the side bar has suddenly missing many widgets – I accidentally removed them. I am not interested in putting them now. I am just looking for basic functionality I need for this blog.

Plus I am reading, a lot. I have to finish as many books(i think 7-9 books) as possible before the year end.

And I am writing also – here & in my log & in my rough drafts for short stories and novels.

Finally, socializing & travelling. I will be moving around in the coming few months. It will be fun. I will have more stories to reflect my stories.

15 more days to go then. Start enjoying the festivities. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Arigato.

P.S – How far I covered my path will be posted in the new year guys.

Breaking Ice

I so much wanted to blog in the last three days. Resistance won the last three days from me.

I started playing the League of Legends that day & the addiction again took its root.  I even forgot to wrote my logs; procrastinated on reading the books & even blogs and articles.

I thought that I would write better posts this time with least grammar mistake(if you find any even in this short post, do point out!). It was just an excuse for me to keep away from writing. I opened WordPress thrice to write ‘new post’, but I started playing the game & left it. This time I thought, I will just post a rant to break the dam.

I have many post ideas waiting in line & something I wrote – a short story. I would post it soon. 🙂

For now check this attempt at double exposure style of photo manipulation. Its fine as a first attempt. Tried some more after this but failed – there was no improvement in them.

0465

 

I have so many things planned. I hope I execute them. I will put them here also.

Arigato 🙂

Guilt Web

When you are fighting or working to reach the goal post; and time is one of the dimensions making the goal nearer – then you deal with Guilt often.
I am preparing for an exam which needs hard work & persistence, so I deal with guilt almost everyday.

I slept long. I slept early. I watched a movie. I went out with friends, I passed an hour in unproductive sites. I talked to a friend for hours. I went to market. I procrastinated. I wrote a blog post. I just laid on bed doing nothing. 😛

I have got so much to do and if I find myself missing my daily deadline then any of the above forms a guilt.

Guilt takes a form of Spider, living on the back of the head. Weaving its web, connecting a simple guilt of missing the goal with thousands of nerves. And each time you find yourself doing any of those activities – the web vibrates. Spider gets ready for its food. Slowly with each act it grows & grows.

It won’t bite now. No. It will wait. It waits for the time when you are going to take a decision. A decision which needs courage.

And then at that time it will inject the poison it has been building up for so long.

spider of guilt

Then it dawns upon you – you realize that it is either that you kill that Spider or you live with that poison circulating in your body.

The first way requires a lot of resolve, courage and will power. The Spider has grown so big that you will need a long sword to cut off its leg & behead it. It will be fast & arduous. Once you kill that spider and clear the cobwebs – you will be free. You would have come out to be a stronger being.

You will have no ‘Regrets’ to look for. You will only have your self-made future to look for.

Guilt is Good only when you have the courage to Eliminate it.

However, if you let that spider linger there long enough. Be assured that you have become a Slave. And the spider will keep spinning the web till the day you start cleaning it up or you die. You will confess to the God, ask help from your friends & family. It will still keep pricking you. It is not a simple devil to get rid of. Its whispers will affect each decision you make.

So many lives it has ruined it. So many it is ruining at present.

If you think that you will become stronger if you will let him prick you long.
Well, I can only say that – you will still be a Slave. A strong one, no Doubt. Still a Slave nevertheless.

So, if you have any spiders – clean your house of them. Clear your head. What the hell matters that you never did XYZ or ABC. Kill the spider. You have a future to look forward to. You can always do XYZ or ABC there. And if not – do something else.

I deal with my daily guilt, by squashing the crawlers each night.
I study late. I take less breaks. I abstain. I ignore. I keep awake.
Because I know

Guilt is nothing to be afraid of. It is something to be dealt with.

This post is part of Dungeon Prompt : Guilt – Illuminating or Engulfing the Darkness?. Plus it is part of my rant.

P.S – I have written two posta on guilt in the past also.

         My Spider of Guilt.   &
       
Guilt Free    <———-Use this Card to Kill your Spider.

Update: Other contributors of the prompt

Guilt: The Non-Emotion – Tracy’s Healing Art

The Orphan – Marsnplato

Guilt – My Spirit Journey

Digital Friendship – Dream Cloud Diaries

Introspection – MarthaOstout

No “Guilt Trips” Please – Traces of the Soul

Crying Out for Consciousness – The Seeker’s Dungeon

Guilt – Writing Works in Progress

Heaven’s Chains – Follow Your Shadow