Tipping on Codes

(Rant)

You know about my goals for this year (check here).

I am working on the coding this blog from scratch; hacking using resources on the web. And to make it clear – I am a computer science graduate. 😛

However, for the last 2 years I have been far far away from any programming language. I was busy pursuing other goals (tedious goals). I want to brush up my coding skills now. And it is getting annoying and exhausting for me. 😦

I am tipping on small small stuff. I am unable to write a good piece of code by myself. I am constantly asking the Google God about possible solutions. As I see it, I have not lost the basic concepts yet. Though, the language has taken new forms, so many new functionalities have been added. I am trumped by the amount of things you can do so easily now. I am still struggling even with improved functionality.

Now I understand how it must have felt when people used to come to ask about coding to me. I mean they were smart but still had problem figuring things out. *Sigh* I have a similar conditions now. And I do not even have anyone to ask about such little things, except googling. 😛

Further, about standards and professional looking site and code – I am still in amateur group. I am frequently trashing my designs and codes because they look shitty to me. It gets frustrating to end up with a bad output after hours of work. 😦

I am moving forward with half baked products now. I want to get to some end product – a good enough site. Then I will keep on iterating the process until I make it good enough. I wish to do it fast actually, like before the end of next month.

Well, do tell me if you have some good tip on writing a code. Actually tell me about some way to learn the new languages fast. Would really help ?

Arigato.

 

Getting to Zero

I came across this blog post by Callie Oettinger on Steven Pressfields’ blog.  The part about ‘Getting to Zero’ spinned me into an introspective mood.

…My read on Boyd’s “zero” is that getting to zero best enables you to live the person you want to be. You don’t have to get rid of every need (such as food), but everything else. . . Getting to zero gets you to your heart. It could also be that place that allows you to zero in on what’s important to you.

I started wondering how many times in my past have I touched the lowest point. And I mean, in life as a whole and not just in career or relationship or family e.t.c. If it is the ‘point-null’ then it is a crucial point in your life (not for a part of it).
This post is not about ranting – it is about looking at reflections of myself from the past. Pardon me if it gets boring or tiresome(and sorry, I for no pictures). Things like this is not what I talk about to anybody; it is all reserved inside. This is to let everybody in and let them also reflect back on it.

“Getting to zero gets you to your heart.”

This line poked through my brain, not heart. Because my brain now understands why it happened. Heart is an innocent one – it can only know the feeling of abyss not the Whys & Hows of it. The point is ‘Getting to zero’ does gets to your heart.

In this emotional state, one can only have his/her heart to grab on to – for help, for support, for hope. And in that moment of void – the action one takes defines him/her. The action directly comes from ones heart and pushes out the most powerful facet of the will of a person.

So, in the quest to know myself deeper – I want to know my ‘Zero-points’ in the past, and what action I took, and why.

As far as I can recall, I think one point came to me during y school days. When all your childish and childlike notions and the views of the world crumbles in the face of reality and competition. I cannot pin-point the year or any incident – but i think it was the ending 2-3 years of school. When I actually faced competition and had to take it serious.
So, what i did? – I went with the herd. I did not have enough mental sharpness to think of my own – I was simply an innocent being. I am clueless about what happened around me at those time. (Yeah, even at such an age.)

The next came when I faced the next wave of reality – graduating from college. By this time, I had started to read voraciously and was on a crazy ride to learn everything. I had acquired a personal way of thinking and reasoning. With all this knowledge – i became confused – too confused. I  had diverse and volatile interests. I can look into any direction and see some path which can be tread or which I can carve out. Made it so hard to choose any one of them.
( I find myself still in that same state confusion, but now I have started to walk on few of them – simultaneously – thinning myself at times)

 So in those moments of chasm, what i did ? I blamed. Blamed my fate. Blamed myself (mostly). Blamed all the unbaked and incomplete knowledge. Blamed the system. Blamed my education. Blamed my parents even. A frustrated, cynical, self-critical, negative… – these words would paint my inner mindset at those time. However, outside I was not like that – I was more or less normal – defending the inner vulnerable fool. This point placed me into more practical path to life – let’s just say I became a realist(or rational optimist not pessimist).

Any other ‘Null-point’ moments after that??

Two word Psychology and knowledge. I have come to unravel my inner psych and started to acquire external knowledge after the last ‘Null-point’.  Recently, when reading one of Dan Ariely’s book – I found these lines pointing to my reality –

“We are storytelling creatures by nature, and we tell ourselves story after story until we come up with an explanation that we like and that sounds reasonable enough to believe.”

I have become too good at self-story-telling. It does not mean I am living in my delusions. My stories have touch of realism and facts. It is the balancing of the ‘blacks’ and ‘whites’ of life to get a ‘Grey’ of my suiting. That is perhaps why I can give people a good advice grounded in reality, and yet shooting for the clouds.

Lately, I am feeling that I am getting close to my next ‘Zero’ moment in life. My curiosity is clamouring for it. My heart is anxious about it. My brain is avoiding it all the time.

I need some body or only a single soul to point to me the reality when it strikes me. Living in ones own delusional reality is far worse than the actual painful reality. One can remain in that void forever,if he/she does not stands up to the reality. I hope that person breaks it to me when the time comes. Or Perhaps I have found such person or I am still waiting for him/her.
(yesterday, when one concerned friend pointed it to me, i revised my story – I am yet to get to zero.)

Have you had such ‘null-points’ ? What did you find about yourself ?
(If you want to share it with me – I would be glad to hear it.My mail info is on About page for sharing it privately.)

Arigato. 🙂

P.S – Now after writing this I am wondering – is it also one of my ways to weave a story or is it a way to face reality?

On Motivation

“A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.”
― Ayn Rand

For the last three days, I was searching for motivation. Something which can push me to write something and then push me further to finish it. Yeah, both are separate from each other. The push to start is not the same as the push to end. It seldom is same.

Have you seen an empty canvas? or an empty page? or a void in your life ?

They all let you imagine anything you want. They lay there looking at you. Waiting for you to put something on them – fill them up with something you want. They want you to act.

They become a beast, a demon for me. Constantly taunting me, looking into my eyes, with sinister smiles. And most people will stop there & run away or let it be or simply destroy the stage. The fear binds you and snatches that precious moment of action from you. So how do I act?

I like to keep my demons along. I like to mingle with them. I like to live around them.

When I am faced by one such demon. I simply say ‘Hello’ to it. If I look at a blank canvas – I would throw a color on it, or make any random stroke on it. If I look at a sheet of paper – I will doodle on it, scribble on it. I will place any silly idea into the void. The main point is – in case of fear – I take silly action, even if it turns out to be a mistake.

And that little silly action – motivates me to move ahead. The huge possibility of better & foolish things fills up my mind-space. That imagined world charged with the creative energy propels me to keep on moving. That is all the motivation one needs to keep on dreaming and keep on taking action.

Whatever one fills in those dreams – will affect the path one chooses, the mobility to get to the dream, the perseverance to face the problems, the tenacity to keep on a single path.
What you imagine will either motivate you or demotivate you. And sometimes will lead you to change paths or stop in your journey.

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”
― Zig Ziglar

And I am in love with it. No, Not with the fear. Fear is dreadful.

I am in love with the ability to change my imagination at will. I can keep evolving my dreams – I can keep changing them. It is amazing. However, the more dependent you are on the external sources for this imagination – the more dependent you are on others for motivation. They will decide it for you my friend.

From the recent meetings with friends, i came to know that generally people have this perception that I am aloof, proud, crazy, lonely, e.t.c. Sorry, if you feel like that. Well, some part of it is true also, and some of it is the ‘detachment’. I want to take control of my world. I am trying to work on it – it gets crazy sometimes. And that leads me to the last part – the part which motivates you to end it all.

The vision of the golden egg at the end of the line. The view of the goal post.
The excitement of getting to the last page. The satisfaction of the last stroke of brush.
The pat on the back or the hug from the loved ones. The achievement of standing on the podium or receiving an award.
The pride of increasing bank balance. The lust of an object.
The love of a person. The attainment of moksha.

To be honest,this part of motivation still eludes me.

At that stage, there is no demon left to taunt me. They are all standing beside me. The quest to growth keeps my imagination rolling and I keep on moving.
Sometimes I imagine that all these demons see their own finish line ;and at the sight of it, we all fall into a chaos of individual race to the finish. And sometimes I imagine that the vision of the golden egg does not mesmerize me. Howsoever it may be, I hope that in my journey when I decide to stop and look back at the path I traveled – I find the finish lines crossed.

“Do not stop thinking of life as an adventure. You have no security unless you can live bravely, excitingly, imaginatively; unless you can choose a challenge instead of competence.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt,

This post is part of the Dungeon Prompts Season 2 : Motivation.

UPDATE: Other contributors for the Motivation Prompt :

Role Model – The Story of an Ordinary Girl

Positive Push – Dream Cloud Diaries

Walking With Reason – MarthaOstout

Motivation – Writing Works in Progress

Motivation – Human in Recovery

What Motivates Me? (Haiku) – Traces of the Soul

Motivation – Cher Shares

Dreams – Writing Works in Progress

The Struggle Between Mind and Matter – The Seeker’s Dungeon

The Meaning of Motivation Changed – Shadows of the Divine

When You Call Me – SplitSpeak

One Square Root of One Percent – My Spirit Journey

 
Arigato. 🙂

200 on 2nd

This is my 200th blog post. 😀

(Update : WordPress just pointed to me – It has been 3 years since I started blogging. Happy Anniversary to this blog 🙂 )

Happy New Year to all of you. Have an Amazing 2014.

I am having a feeling that 2014 is going to be Awesome. Good to start a new year with positive vibes. 🙂

Of late it has become hard for me to write anything.Read Procrastination.
Even before writing this, I wasted my 1 hour doing useless stuff.

I decided this year I will put up my to-do’s – which I will make sure I complete 100%. No excuses this year. This year will be all about action(just like last year). So here it goes :

Books : Challenged myself to read twice the books I read in 2013 i.e. 140 🙂

Blog : Improve my wiriting(grammar) skills, story-telling skills, put short stories in pdf format, build the theme & implement it on a new domain name.

Code : Including the above part of coding , learn processing language & brush up my general coding skills.

Writing a Book : If not published by any firm, I am going to self-publish one book this year. Earlier decided for two, but its better to take one practical step than dream 100 steps.

Travel : I have shed the guilt of throwing away parents money, this year I am going to travel more though in smartly(keeping costs low). Plus going to get some cash flow from freelancing design work.

Design : Create more designs. This year, till I get any solid job, I am going to do freelancing & improve my skills to professional level. Need to create my portfolio in someway. Plus I will complete the last year design challenge of #amwriting series. (completely forgot about that)

Spanish : I have to relearn it. The basics I learned last year is also dimming out from my mind.

And Finally,

Me : Personal growth will keep on going. Writing in a journal has helped a lot, so I will be continuing with it. Healthy habits will be incorporated in daily routine. I have to get in shape & take better care of myself. Because of the people & friends I met last year, I have decided to be more social & open now. I found really great friends last year – hope to make more this year. 😀

Writing this blog has really helped me to keep up to my goals. Reading other blogs inspired me a lot to keep on doing what I want to do & stay on the path. Cheers to Blogging & the wonderful bloggers. 🙂

Arigato. 🙂

Dark (V)Alley

Thanks for your comments/suggestions/read on my Midnight Rant. I would like to apologize if I wasted your time.
This post is related to that. Do you remember the Periods I talked about. My experiment to analyze my mood cycle.

Well, after the last rant, I came to at least one conclusion. These down moods or restless periods are my incubation time.
like Graham Wallas stages of creativity: –
preparation -> incubation -> intimation -> illumination -> verification.

Well leave the other stages, because it’s not something I willingly take part in. It’s because of so much information & knowledge I am sucking from this world, that the preparation stage gets ready itself.
The form it takes is a complex – chaotic looking – colorful abstract artwork. In one look you will not understand anything, until you pick minute fragments of it.
And then the depressive, frustrating, loathing period starts. That is the incubation start working automatically. It becomes a dope for me, getting all these marvelous ideas and connecting them to each other. I enjoy it. Though it puts me into a miserable condition, as I am unable to stop or take rest.

Then comes all my past & new learned rituals to find the peace. I am not lost. It is like I am navigating in the misty ocean. Unable to see clearly, unable to put any anchor. Add to it the emotional melodrama my heart throws at me.(If any relationship or social issues have become prominent for me)

Then suddenly , the sun shines. The mist clears. I come at peace. I relax.

But it’s not over yet, the illumination stage kicks in.
I find the Trades which will take me out of the Doldrums into the open ocean. Riding the highs & lows of the bulges. With such an extreme pace – that It will be exhilarating & exalting. I love this stage. I will be walking all over the place. Validating the idea. Making it a possible reality of future. But it’s all in the mind.
I will note it down & that is the closest I reach to the Verification stage

If I am in control I will refer the logbook & act on a particular idea.  Which is Great.

This time also, as soon I found my peace. I got this amazing idea which was pivoted around anger towards the education system. And I have made a long summary about the whole concept. Writing down all the gibberish & hazy thoughts inside my head. Expecting that I will come back to it someday & structure it into a presentable format.

I read a blog piece, having one such point –  7 dark secrets of Entrepreneurs. (point 5)

And then again I found myself getting into wishful thoughts of being an entrepreneur. I say wishful, because, at present my focus lie on the UPSC exam(or does it?). It may be a prospective future for me(next year).
Though, that doesn’t concerns this post. The point I want to make is that – however, creative or fruitful or useless these illuminations be – I still feel stuck inside the Dark Alley. It seems the Dark Alley is turning into the Dark Valley. And I hope it’s not the Cul-de-sac which Seth Godin talks about. I hope it is only a dip.

I would like my mental energy to free up & rejuvenate. Then only can I taste the flavors of my journey in an open sea. 

Arigato 🙂

{ This time I found myself rowing in the misty waters, while a lighthouse in full fire. The dilemma is that If I row to the lighthouse & reach the shore, crossing the dangerous rocks. I will not be able to make my way into the open sea. I wonder can I still stay afloat in case my boat wrecks to the lighthouse. }

P.S – i love talking in metaphors & making allegories. 😀

Midnight Rant

(It’s a rant so don’t pick on grammar mistakes & this time I would like you to read till end – a little experiment)

Sorry, I don’t understand why I am so impatient today. I feel brimming with energy & this is making me anxious. May be it’s because I want to say things to somebody. I even tried that & talked to friends. But it is still there. And in desperation to solve it -I am writing this blog post.

And I really don’t know why is it like this today. I have decided to shut off my mobile – so no calls, no msgs & no whats app & other shit. I will disconnect the internet for the whole day after writing this post. I hope the detox might help me. I think being ‘always connected to the grid’ is filling me with so many thoughts & ideas that I am unable to mull over them. Or may be some interactions with people is reason for it. Or may be contents I keep on reading.
Actually, I found myself checking mail,fb,feeds & blog often. I think I am getting addicted to it. I need to detox from all this. Re- balance my mental & emotional state.
I see it as going back to my cave or shell.  I need it somehow. I want to check my resilience & patience. I need to strengthen my will power against my mercurial moods.

Looking back on today – I felt good in the morning & I was in control even in afternoon. From evening I think it has snow bowled. It has been like that for few days & I have tried most of the methods I know of. Now, I want to try this one by putting all up on the table for anybody to look at. (It’s a personal experiment – sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t). One of my friend told me to share things like that -‘sharing is caring’. But I am the quite type,introvert type – it is hard to share everything. Even now I know I am going to put some walls here also.

I think it’s something related to my identity – as to what defines me. I even got philosophical over it. I was filling some bio for some site & every time I felt confused about it. I know what things I do or who I am but still I can’t structure them into clear letters. I am not sure what to put in those blank spaces.
In the evening,I saw this TED talk & i think it again threw me into this existential questioning.

Lately I have been trying to cut-off my extra interests for exam preparation. But I can’t stop myself from thinking about them. I mean I feel like a generalist – I want to be a polyamath. However, today’s job scenario doesn’t appreciates that (atleast not in India) or I am totally clueless about such places.
I am a Computer Science engineer by degree. And I can code but I don’t prefer to. I prefer the design part.
One will find scribbles on every copy of mine. I like making illustrations & concept artworks in photoshop. But I am still not so good at them.
And if I combine above two – i would like to be a web-designer.
But I also like to write. I mean I have written a first-draft of a bull shit novel. And I am in middle of reviewing & rewriting my second novel. So I think I can write somewhat.
I like to read books – serious books. And I will never leave that.
I am highly interested in technology – specially frugal low cost solutions. I want to become an innovator. I keep on coming up with many business ideas. Questioning the current way to do things. Making possible models for new flow of info,articles e.t.c. But it is limited by my knowledge.
And then there is the govt. job angle. I am still not sure about it. But the IAS tag is too blinding. Ans I think I can implement this strategic mindset, innovative thinking in implementing policies for the country. Though, those things are not restricted by that position.
And I can’t support anything else except my degree with any certificates or any experience.
See how frustrating it gets when I think about this career stuff.

Adding to the whole situation is perception of my age. I don’t feel like 24 I feel like time will slip by me & I will be 27 next year. I am not sure why this image is struck in my head.

And as the video says – I want to be all. And I don’t know how. I do think it’s possible to do all that. (If you have any recommendation for me – please do help me)

Sometimes I feel it’s so because I did all that sitting in my home. I need to travel more often. I need more real world experience. I would like to use my own- earned money to do that.

I think this rant has gone already too lengthy. And there are other issues which I have decided to shield away. So I will stop here. Thanks for reading(if you reached to this point). And thanks for your comment I would read them when I next reconnect.
Pardon me for this not so presentable post – it is a rant – it should look like one.

Arigato.

Update : – Thank You everyone for your comments & suggestions. 🙂

Dungeon Prompts – Faith, Tolerance & Mutual Appreciation”

Two historical & great personalities came to my mind  – Jean Jacques Rousseau & Mahatma Gandhi. (Why? Because I am studying history & ethics for my exam)

From Rousseau’s memoirs –‘The Confessions’, I found him as an ardent follower of his personal maxims. Principals he formed through his reflection on the life & his learning. He stuck to his maxims so stubbornly that even in his bad times he will not accept help from people he unapproved of. He never accepted ill treatment of himself or any slandering from others. However, he was tolerant to the opposite views in case of ideas & thoughts. For him, the tolerance was limited only to the planes of thoughts, he was faithful to his maxims in there also. I find that he would not compromise on his faiths & beliefs and keep on tolerating. Further, there were rare cases where he would appreciate of other’s behavior.

J.J. Rousseau,” It must be allowed, that reckoning all these advantages, no hesitation was necessary in the choice; in fact, I was so content with mine, that I never once repented it; nor do I even now, when , free from the irrational motives that influenced me at that time, I weigh in the scale of reason every action of my life.”

Now about the man, which seems to be a manifestation from the myth for many.
( As I have still not read his autobiography, I will write on my general perception of him. And pardon me if my conception of Rousseau is immature. If it is,do help me on that.)

When I look at the words of this prompt – Faith, Tolerance & Mutual Appreciation. Gandhi’s philosophy amuses me. He was faithful to the tenet of tolerance. Though, I find there was not always mutual appreciation present. He never approved of the faith in violence by the revolutionaries. Nor he ever approved of the British practices. So, Tolerance was one of the keystone of his belief but mutual appreciation existed only for few cases.

Gandhi, ” A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble”

After looking at these two great men, when I observe myself, what do I find?
Chaos is the first site. On further meddling with the ideas I find – I am still not decided on my maxims. I am unfaithful to everyone & also to none. I am in a process of growth. The principals & beliefs have still not settled in. Adding to this is the constant challenges ,put everyday ,to every idea in this world. If I decide to be a communist – somebody will come & discuss capitalism with me & I will move to become a socialist. I will be set on rebelling & then read something on pacifism and will find myself picking Buddhist philosophy.

I don’t infer that I am a mercurial, fickle minded person, who is gullible & can be easily influenced. No. Some may consider me as an opportunist or utilitarian. But they are in themselves settled ideology & can’t be changed. Or perhaps they are my belief system.The point is that I am of the belief that – Everything created by a man in this world is questionable. Even the maxims. And one has to trust his own self to find the maxims for his salvation, as suited for his/her stage of life. One’s salvation lies within him/herself. And even this maxim is questionable.
With this world in constant flux, one has to be ‘tolerant’ and ‘appreciative’ to the ‘different’.

One may argue that then a person who want to satisfy his sexual desire can bypass his morals & rape a women/girl. He can change his faith from being a human to being a rapist. A mad person can place the social order in chaos & can destroy valuable assets & human life.
Well, all this is possible if one looks at my belief. But let me quote Gandhi on this,

” You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty”

Because if I wouldn’t have adhered to such a belief – You may have found me as an orthodox religious fanatic, a sexist,a dumb peg of the system. I moved to new maxims which I appreciated & approved of, while keeping my tolerance for different views. And I am still moving ahead – on my personal path to growth. And this path may be correct or may be incorrect, all I know at present is that, it is still incomplete.

Arigato 🙂

P.S – this prompt was a heavy one. It made me come out in open about stuff I take seriously but ignore socially, about which I still can’t take a firm stand. These dungeon prompts actually rake your inside.