Pocket Diary -18

Back with the pocket diary. Well, I rarely write quotes in this diary now; as mostly I am reading books which goes into my book-diary plus I am reading amazing quotes on net in the form of typography and images. I broke the pocket diary series also. 😛 * sigh * it is hard to keep up with all these series. I need to stop making such promises to myself.

Now, the quotes:

M.Gandhi, ” You can not build non-violence on a factory of civilization, but it can built on self-contained villages.”

Gandhi has captivated me not only for his methods of non-violence and civil disobedience, but also for his ingenious way to create change. The above quotes shows it so perfectly – the cities or cradle of civilization get so mechanized that any type of change is hard to initiate effectively. Thanks to ‘Modern Marketing & Advertising’ it has become much easier to change consumer behaviour, but not character or nature. Non-violence being purely about change of character both inner and outer.

So, how about changing the culture in a society – about rape, about dowry, about corruption. Should we start from villages and build over it ?. Should we employ the consumer-attracting tactics to fuel the change? or Perhaps a combination of both or some new way?

From movie/novel ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’, ” We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Love is hard to get ( & hard to understand).  I am still brooding over love reading this line. Do one accept the love that he/she thinks they don’t deserve ? Do they accept love without any foolish notion about deserving it ? What happens when one don’t get the love which one thinks he/she deserves? What about when gets overwhelmed by the love one gets?

(I like to think about love in third person rather than first person. Not wise to reduce one’s value or expectation about love on such silly musings.)

“Only Time knows when something has to die”.(Myself)

Think about it – perhaps Yama is Time God or Lucifer is Time or Grim Reaper is time or simply death is Time. Only Time points to the moment when something died. And we obsess so much about time (or may be death).

Kurt Vonnegot, “Use the time of a stranger in such a way that he or she will not fell the time was wasted.”

I know you must have compared this one with the last one. Ok, let me put it this way  – Time is Life. When Life ends time ends. As Kurt Vonnegot says – I better use a life of a stranger so that it does not feels wasted.

I hope I did not waste your time/life/death with this post. 😛

Arigato 🙂

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Getting to Zero

I came across this blog post by Callie Oettinger on Steven Pressfields’ blog.  The part about ‘Getting to Zero’ spinned me into an introspective mood.

…My read on Boyd’s “zero” is that getting to zero best enables you to live the person you want to be. You don’t have to get rid of every need (such as food), but everything else. . . Getting to zero gets you to your heart. It could also be that place that allows you to zero in on what’s important to you.

I started wondering how many times in my past have I touched the lowest point. And I mean, in life as a whole and not just in career or relationship or family e.t.c. If it is the ‘point-null’ then it is a crucial point in your life (not for a part of it).
This post is not about ranting – it is about looking at reflections of myself from the past. Pardon me if it gets boring or tiresome(and sorry, I for no pictures). Things like this is not what I talk about to anybody; it is all reserved inside. This is to let everybody in and let them also reflect back on it.

“Getting to zero gets you to your heart.”

This line poked through my brain, not heart. Because my brain now understands why it happened. Heart is an innocent one – it can only know the feeling of abyss not the Whys & Hows of it. The point is ‘Getting to zero’ does gets to your heart.

In this emotional state, one can only have his/her heart to grab on to – for help, for support, for hope. And in that moment of void – the action one takes defines him/her. The action directly comes from ones heart and pushes out the most powerful facet of the will of a person.

So, in the quest to know myself deeper – I want to know my ‘Zero-points’ in the past, and what action I took, and why.

As far as I can recall, I think one point came to me during y school days. When all your childish and childlike notions and the views of the world crumbles in the face of reality and competition. I cannot pin-point the year or any incident – but i think it was the ending 2-3 years of school. When I actually faced competition and had to take it serious.
So, what i did? – I went with the herd. I did not have enough mental sharpness to think of my own – I was simply an innocent being. I am clueless about what happened around me at those time. (Yeah, even at such an age.)

The next came when I faced the next wave of reality – graduating from college. By this time, I had started to read voraciously and was on a crazy ride to learn everything. I had acquired a personal way of thinking and reasoning. With all this knowledge – i became confused – too confused. I  had diverse and volatile interests. I can look into any direction and see some path which can be tread or which I can carve out. Made it so hard to choose any one of them.
( I find myself still in that same state confusion, but now I have started to walk on few of them – simultaneously – thinning myself at times)

 So in those moments of chasm, what i did ? I blamed. Blamed my fate. Blamed myself (mostly). Blamed all the unbaked and incomplete knowledge. Blamed the system. Blamed my education. Blamed my parents even. A frustrated, cynical, self-critical, negative… – these words would paint my inner mindset at those time. However, outside I was not like that – I was more or less normal – defending the inner vulnerable fool. This point placed me into more practical path to life – let’s just say I became a realist(or rational optimist not pessimist).

Any other ‘Null-point’ moments after that??

Two word Psychology and knowledge. I have come to unravel my inner psych and started to acquire external knowledge after the last ‘Null-point’.  Recently, when reading one of Dan Ariely’s book – I found these lines pointing to my reality –

“We are storytelling creatures by nature, and we tell ourselves story after story until we come up with an explanation that we like and that sounds reasonable enough to believe.”

I have become too good at self-story-telling. It does not mean I am living in my delusions. My stories have touch of realism and facts. It is the balancing of the ‘blacks’ and ‘whites’ of life to get a ‘Grey’ of my suiting. That is perhaps why I can give people a good advice grounded in reality, and yet shooting for the clouds.

Lately, I am feeling that I am getting close to my next ‘Zero’ moment in life. My curiosity is clamouring for it. My heart is anxious about it. My brain is avoiding it all the time.

I need some body or only a single soul to point to me the reality when it strikes me. Living in ones own delusional reality is far worse than the actual painful reality. One can remain in that void forever,if he/she does not stands up to the reality. I hope that person breaks it to me when the time comes. Or Perhaps I have found such person or I am still waiting for him/her.
(yesterday, when one concerned friend pointed it to me, i revised my story – I am yet to get to zero.)

Have you had such ‘null-points’ ? What did you find about yourself ?
(If you want to share it with me – I would be glad to hear it.My mail info is on About page for sharing it privately.)

Arigato. 🙂

P.S – Now after writing this I am wondering – is it also one of my ways to weave a story or is it a way to face reality?

On Motivation

“A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.”
― Ayn Rand

For the last three days, I was searching for motivation. Something which can push me to write something and then push me further to finish it. Yeah, both are separate from each other. The push to start is not the same as the push to end. It seldom is same.

Have you seen an empty canvas? or an empty page? or a void in your life ?

They all let you imagine anything you want. They lay there looking at you. Waiting for you to put something on them – fill them up with something you want. They want you to act.

They become a beast, a demon for me. Constantly taunting me, looking into my eyes, with sinister smiles. And most people will stop there & run away or let it be or simply destroy the stage. The fear binds you and snatches that precious moment of action from you. So how do I act?

I like to keep my demons along. I like to mingle with them. I like to live around them.

When I am faced by one such demon. I simply say ‘Hello’ to it. If I look at a blank canvas – I would throw a color on it, or make any random stroke on it. If I look at a sheet of paper – I will doodle on it, scribble on it. I will place any silly idea into the void. The main point is – in case of fear – I take silly action, even if it turns out to be a mistake.

And that little silly action – motivates me to move ahead. The huge possibility of better & foolish things fills up my mind-space. That imagined world charged with the creative energy propels me to keep on moving. That is all the motivation one needs to keep on dreaming and keep on taking action.

Whatever one fills in those dreams – will affect the path one chooses, the mobility to get to the dream, the perseverance to face the problems, the tenacity to keep on a single path.
What you imagine will either motivate you or demotivate you. And sometimes will lead you to change paths or stop in your journey.

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”
― Zig Ziglar

And I am in love with it. No, Not with the fear. Fear is dreadful.

I am in love with the ability to change my imagination at will. I can keep evolving my dreams – I can keep changing them. It is amazing. However, the more dependent you are on the external sources for this imagination – the more dependent you are on others for motivation. They will decide it for you my friend.

From the recent meetings with friends, i came to know that generally people have this perception that I am aloof, proud, crazy, lonely, e.t.c. Sorry, if you feel like that. Well, some part of it is true also, and some of it is the ‘detachment’. I want to take control of my world. I am trying to work on it – it gets crazy sometimes. And that leads me to the last part – the part which motivates you to end it all.

The vision of the golden egg at the end of the line. The view of the goal post.
The excitement of getting to the last page. The satisfaction of the last stroke of brush.
The pat on the back or the hug from the loved ones. The achievement of standing on the podium or receiving an award.
The pride of increasing bank balance. The lust of an object.
The love of a person. The attainment of moksha.

To be honest,this part of motivation still eludes me.

At that stage, there is no demon left to taunt me. They are all standing beside me. The quest to growth keeps my imagination rolling and I keep on moving.
Sometimes I imagine that all these demons see their own finish line ;and at the sight of it, we all fall into a chaos of individual race to the finish. And sometimes I imagine that the vision of the golden egg does not mesmerize me. Howsoever it may be, I hope that in my journey when I decide to stop and look back at the path I traveled – I find the finish lines crossed.

“Do not stop thinking of life as an adventure. You have no security unless you can live bravely, excitingly, imaginatively; unless you can choose a challenge instead of competence.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt,

This post is part of the Dungeon Prompts Season 2 : Motivation.

UPDATE: Other contributors for the Motivation Prompt :

Role Model – The Story of an Ordinary Girl

Positive Push – Dream Cloud Diaries

Walking With Reason – MarthaOstout

Motivation – Writing Works in Progress

Motivation – Human in Recovery

What Motivates Me? (Haiku) – Traces of the Soul

Motivation – Cher Shares

Dreams – Writing Works in Progress

The Struggle Between Mind and Matter – The Seeker’s Dungeon

The Meaning of Motivation Changed – Shadows of the Divine

When You Call Me – SplitSpeak

One Square Root of One Percent – My Spirit Journey

 
Arigato. 🙂

200 on 2nd

This is my 200th blog post. 😀

(Update : WordPress just pointed to me – It has been 3 years since I started blogging. Happy Anniversary to this blog 🙂 )

Happy New Year to all of you. Have an Amazing 2014.

I am having a feeling that 2014 is going to be Awesome. Good to start a new year with positive vibes. 🙂

Of late it has become hard for me to write anything.Read Procrastination.
Even before writing this, I wasted my 1 hour doing useless stuff.

I decided this year I will put up my to-do’s – which I will make sure I complete 100%. No excuses this year. This year will be all about action(just like last year). So here it goes :

Books : Challenged myself to read twice the books I read in 2013 i.e. 140 🙂

Blog : Improve my wiriting(grammar) skills, story-telling skills, put short stories in pdf format, build the theme & implement it on a new domain name.

Code : Including the above part of coding , learn processing language & brush up my general coding skills.

Writing a Book : If not published by any firm, I am going to self-publish one book this year. Earlier decided for two, but its better to take one practical step than dream 100 steps.

Travel : I have shed the guilt of throwing away parents money, this year I am going to travel more though in smartly(keeping costs low). Plus going to get some cash flow from freelancing design work.

Design : Create more designs. This year, till I get any solid job, I am going to do freelancing & improve my skills to professional level. Need to create my portfolio in someway. Plus I will complete the last year design challenge of #amwriting series. (completely forgot about that)

Spanish : I have to relearn it. The basics I learned last year is also dimming out from my mind.

And Finally,

Me : Personal growth will keep on going. Writing in a journal has helped a lot, so I will be continuing with it. Healthy habits will be incorporated in daily routine. I have to get in shape & take better care of myself. Because of the people & friends I met last year, I have decided to be more social & open now. I found really great friends last year – hope to make more this year. 😀

Writing this blog has really helped me to keep up to my goals. Reading other blogs inspired me a lot to keep on doing what I want to do & stay on the path. Cheers to Blogging & the wonderful bloggers. 🙂

Arigato. 🙂

31/13

It is 6pm in the evening and let me tell you that I am trying since morning to write a post. Therefore, I stopped trying and just wrote it.

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE. 😀

So should I make it a ‘rant‘ post or ‘looking back in the mirror‘ post or may be ‘resolutions & progress made‘ post.

As I am an engineer and the habit of rushing things on the last day has not yet left me. I thought about writing all the three posts. But, I think I will do good with this single one only. I will make it a long post.

20121115_142425 copy4

RANT

I was not writing anything for quite some time because I was travelling to meet my friends and did not have any access to my laptop. Second, I wanted to read, actually, rush some of easy reads before the year end.
Third, i got addicted to gaming again. I tried hard to leave it or control the hours I spend on it, but the geniuses who created those games have got me stuck with them.
And Finally, the greatest & most primal reason – the resistance of procrastination.
I kept scribbling & doodling in my notepad all this time. Some of which I really want to put on this blog and some of which are personal(private access only).
That will be enough of rant and now I can move ahead.

T-Fish

T-Fish

DARSHAN‘ / Looking back in 2013

One of the symbolic meaning of mirror is about ‘darshan‘ i.e. reflecting back. So, as the year is ending i would like to reflect back into 2013 and leave everything where they belong – in the past.

This year was awesome and amazing. To be honest it was wonderful on a personal & inner level. It was awesome on social & friend level. It was never like this.(Well each year is unique in itself)

I found myself opening up to more people. I made new and great friends on both virtual & physical world. I also found a unique and special friend. I still am single though, no luck on the love lane. 😛 If you have ever met me earlier and would have met me this year – you would have seen the difference. (If I don’t like you or you are one of my buddies – you would not find me any different )

I had lots of time for soul searching this year.(staying around 8 months in a single room away from disturbance – me and I alone – it is bound to happen).
It was revealing and beautiful. Sometimes painful and dreadful too. The main point is I kept on growing out of them. Growth of the inner and outer self.
Though, being a self-critic and a realist , I still tend to water down all the progress I made. I find my demons still lurking around. I tend to have conversation with them now instead of fearing them.

mhbb1

PROGRESS 

I searched for my last year resolution or to-do list but couldn’t find it. Let me recall from my memory then.

BloggingCheck (= kept on blogging.

Drawing & GraphicsCheck (= doodled a lot and made some nice graphics also. [ NOTE – More & Better are the words for 2014]

Diary/LogCheck (= It is one of the best thing I started doing this year.

SpanishFail )= forgot what little I learned. Sliding it to next year.

ReadingCheck (= Challenged myself to read 50 books and ended up reading 72.

ExaminationCheck (= cleared UPSC prelims & gave mains. Waiting for the results now. It will decide my future course of action.

Writing a bookCheck (= Hell Yeah!! I wrote it. Working on correcting & editing it, then next step will be to get it published.

CodingFail )= Completely forgotten all the programming languages. Tried practicing it around mid year but left it in mid way.

WebsiteFail )= The coding part is connected to this one.

Exercise/ lose weight – Neutral. I will not say failed. The progress was like a sine-wave – filled with ups & downs. I remained at the same point.

I am like this only. Trying to spread myself thin by going into so many directions. But I have found the trick now – I don’t take everything all at once. I choose 2-3 points only and work on them incessantly till i exhausted. This method needs a lot of improvement, it is liable to minor disturbances also – specially to ‘mood swings’ & ‘friends & family’.

metoooeoeoe copy

TO-DOs 2014

While writing the above part, I have decided I will sleep on it a bit more. I will post it in new year only. 😀 😀

It is evening people – time to party & enjoy. Make merry the end of 2013. Stop reading this and I am finished writing this – move outside or move near your loved ones.

Welcome the new year.

Happy Endings to 2013.

Arigato 😀 😀

Guilt Web

When you are fighting or working to reach the goal post; and time is one of the dimensions making the goal nearer – then you deal with Guilt often.
I am preparing for an exam which needs hard work & persistence, so I deal with guilt almost everyday.

I slept long. I slept early. I watched a movie. I went out with friends, I passed an hour in unproductive sites. I talked to a friend for hours. I went to market. I procrastinated. I wrote a blog post. I just laid on bed doing nothing. 😛

I have got so much to do and if I find myself missing my daily deadline then any of the above forms a guilt.

Guilt takes a form of Spider, living on the back of the head. Weaving its web, connecting a simple guilt of missing the goal with thousands of nerves. And each time you find yourself doing any of those activities – the web vibrates. Spider gets ready for its food. Slowly with each act it grows & grows.

It won’t bite now. No. It will wait. It waits for the time when you are going to take a decision. A decision which needs courage.

And then at that time it will inject the poison it has been building up for so long.

spider of guilt

Then it dawns upon you – you realize that it is either that you kill that Spider or you live with that poison circulating in your body.

The first way requires a lot of resolve, courage and will power. The Spider has grown so big that you will need a long sword to cut off its leg & behead it. It will be fast & arduous. Once you kill that spider and clear the cobwebs – you will be free. You would have come out to be a stronger being.

You will have no ‘Regrets’ to look for. You will only have your self-made future to look for.

Guilt is Good only when you have the courage to Eliminate it.

However, if you let that spider linger there long enough. Be assured that you have become a Slave. And the spider will keep spinning the web till the day you start cleaning it up or you die. You will confess to the God, ask help from your friends & family. It will still keep pricking you. It is not a simple devil to get rid of. Its whispers will affect each decision you make.

So many lives it has ruined it. So many it is ruining at present.

If you think that you will become stronger if you will let him prick you long.
Well, I can only say that – you will still be a Slave. A strong one, no Doubt. Still a Slave nevertheless.

So, if you have any spiders – clean your house of them. Clear your head. What the hell matters that you never did XYZ or ABC. Kill the spider. You have a future to look forward to. You can always do XYZ or ABC there. And if not – do something else.

I deal with my daily guilt, by squashing the crawlers each night.
I study late. I take less breaks. I abstain. I ignore. I keep awake.
Because I know

Guilt is nothing to be afraid of. It is something to be dealt with.

This post is part of Dungeon Prompt : Guilt – Illuminating or Engulfing the Darkness?. Plus it is part of my rant.

P.S – I have written two posta on guilt in the past also.

         My Spider of Guilt.   &
       
Guilt Free    <———-Use this Card to Kill your Spider.

Update: Other contributors of the prompt

Guilt: The Non-Emotion – Tracy’s Healing Art

The Orphan – Marsnplato

Guilt – My Spirit Journey

Digital Friendship – Dream Cloud Diaries

Introspection – MarthaOstout

No “Guilt Trips” Please – Traces of the Soul

Crying Out for Consciousness – The Seeker’s Dungeon

Guilt – Writing Works in Progress

Heaven’s Chains – Follow Your Shadow

Emotionless

It was autumn.

“I want to be emotionless. Turn into a strong rock which will not react to any feelings.”

Thus spake the green Tree standing on the hill top. Watching the leaves, leaving the stems & falling down with each draft of breeze. Fruits have already been plucked from it and now, the greens are also leaving it. It wished that this loss be stopped forever. It was filled with melancholy & gloom.

It looked around to find a solution. Looking at the humans moving around in their boxes, it decided to protect the precious greens in boxes. It started boxing parts of itself from external forces. It boxed each new bud on its branches. It shew away the humans who came to pluck the fruits. Scared off the children away from it. In its goal to achieve rock like form – it covered all the greenery inside the boxes. It even stopped the roots to drink from the strange underground waters. Barriers were made for any force which may hurt it.
It only required the breeze, rain water & sunlight for its survival – and so it survived on them.

It was spring.

The Tree was delighted. It was the time for blooming flowers, budding seeds, hanging fruits, buzzing bees and chirping birds.
It was overwhelmed, looking at all the joy & green every where around. Though, it waited for some sweet bird to sit on its branch  & sing for him. Only crows came to sit on the boxes it has built. Not even a single bee came near the tree. There was no budding saplings around it. There was no sweet fragrance in the air.
Still, tree was complacent with just looking at others.

It was autumn again.

The Tree was excited to look inside the boxes. To get assured that not a single leaf falls this time. No sorrow should befall on it. It peeked into one of the boxes.

The Tree was devastated. There was nothing inside the box except foul smell & dust. Aghast at the sight, it realized that it secluded itself so deeply from everything that nothing bloomed on it. It became callous of even its own happiness. It got used to the absence of emotions & feelings. It shook off all the boxes & barriers it made for itself. And there it stood on the hill top – dark,black,rough,creepy, leaf-less,fruit-less, life-less – finally resembling a rock. It succeeded in its goal.

At this point, it started to cry and for days it cried.

Camera 360

“Hahaha…” ringed the ears of the tree. It was a Rock which was hanging near the tip of a cliff. Tree was confused at the laughter.
” You are a tree, right? Why do you look like me but still you are not me?”, asked the Rock.
“I wanted to be emotionless. I wanted to be like a rock. And now I have turned into one.” replied the Tree.
“Ha Ha Ha…” Rock went on with the hysterical laughter. Slowly tears also started pouring from it, while it kept on laughing.
“Listen you fool, listen to my story….”, the Rock said to the Tree.
“I used to be part of this unyielding hill, then one day I broke away from it. I wanted to be stronger than him. I went your way & placed barriers around me. I became a cold, edgy piece of earth. Then one day,a Sage came this way. He sat on top of me & started hitting me. Slowly, he destroyed all my barriers. He showed me the secret to be alive while being a rock. He pointed me to you – the earlier greener you. He said that as a tree grows each year bearing new leaves & fruits – you have to grow. Tree faces all the adversities of the nature and humans. Each season makes it more stronger helps it get over the periods of grief. And such you have to become – face the lashes of nature to become strong like this hill. Both the Tree & the hill will vanish from existence someday. What would matter will be the number of seasons they have seen. With each season they grow stronger, and so you have to grow stronger….”

The Rock went on with its story. Telling the Tree how the Sage transformed it. To handle emotions one need not leave the world. The world will make one strong and brave enough to face the life. Life never stops. Only choice one has is to balance the shades of emotions. Either by putting them into boxes or by growing up strong.

Soon, it was Spring season.

The Tree saw thousands of tiny green leaf buds filling his dead-looking branches. It looked at the Rock. The Rock had a small dandelion blooming over it. They smiled at each other and enjoyed the fresh breeze of life.

[Balanced life is to keep on growing from Autumn to Spring and from Spring to Autumn.]

Arigato 🙂

P.S – This post is part of Dungeon Prompt : Balance and the Art of Succeeding in an All or Nothing World. I am not sure whether I justified the prompt or not. UPDATE – Other contributors of the prompt :

The Judge – Marsnplato

Sacrifice for a Balanced Life – My Spirit Journey

Balance – Let There Be Peace On Earth

Let There Be Nothing – Dream Cloud Diaries

Emotionless – Contemplating Me

She Made a Difference – Traces of the Soul

Greatness, Part 1: MMA and the Art of War – A Holistic Journey

Floating in Water – Martha0stout