Anger

I was squatting upon the branch of a tree, looking for a flock to land on the lake near by. One fleet of stocks landed on the waters to have their feed. Like them I was also waiting for my hunt for the day. I took aim at one of the big ones. Suddenly they all took off into the blue sky. I looked below the tree. A procession of monks were crossing the lakeside, chanting loudly, ” Buddham Sharanam Gachami… Buddham Sharanam Gachami…

I shouted at them, ” What have you done, you silly monks. I have lost my prey because of your chanting. Now, how will I feed my stomach today ?”

One of them came forward and replied, ” Sorry for disturbing my brother. But why so much rage against the poor birds ? What use is of this violence ? Let them live. Let yourself live without such grave burden”

“Hahaha….silly monk. How would I live if I let them live ?  Life feeds on life. And I would like to live. ” I retorted at his silly argument.

“As Buddha says, Life is such. But I request you to leave this violent way. Nature will take care of everyone. You can share our alms for today.”

He offered me a share of his alms – rice and some fruits. I got down from the tree-top and partook the food. I was very hungry and started chomping the fruits then and there.

Looking at me with a serene smile on his face, the monk said ,” Throw away your anger like the remains of that fruit. Your life will be much pleasant journey then.”

Saying that the group started back their chanting and moved on from the lakeside.

I threw away the remains of the fruit, completely clueless about what he meant. One flock of cranes landed in the lake. My stomach was satisfied for now, but not of my wife and child. I pulled the bow’s string, took an aim, made a kill shot. Their bellies will be full today.

***

Yama called me forth and looked at my soul with his cold and dead eyes. He was dictating Chitragupta something, glancing at me in short pauses. I looked behind the big black gate bordered with gold & silver plating. Its splendour was overtaken by its grimness. I looked behind the door – some Yamdoots were filling a pool with black greasy oily liquid. I remembered the childhood stories of ones body fried in oil afterlife – but there was no fire or any utensil.

My curiosity took hold of my soul and I asked Yama directly, ” What are they filling that pool with ? and what is that liquid for ?”

Yama tilted his head back and came back to me, ” It is fat-oil of the animals , they are going to bath you with it.”

Still confused,I sheepishly asked again, ” But why are you bathing me with animal oil ? Is that all one has to go through after death ?”

A glorious laughter resounded the hellish abode, Yama explained, ” That animal oil is from all those creatures you killed in your lifetime. And those arrows are all those arrows that you used to pierce those poor beings. With all your anger you have filled your life with – we will fire the hearth below the pool. Then you will be pierced with those arrows and then put inside the boiling grease. According to Chitraguptas’ calculation it requires that you be fried till three-forth of an eon.”

I was dumbstruck, baffled and shivering at the grim picture Yama just painted for me. I was paralysed from my bony toes to my strands of grey hair.
I recalled that incident near the lake side – the procession of the monks. Now I understood what he meant by throwing away my anger. Why in the heaven did I not take their advice ? Why? ….

….”WHY????” (I screamed inside)

– Arigato

This post is part of the Dungeon Prompt Season 2 : Anger Management. Other contributors list will be posted below after the end of the prompt week.

Update: List of other contributors

Kind of Defeated – MarthaOstout

Valentine’s Day – SplitSpeak

An Animal Caged – TJ Therien

Anger Management: Road Rage – Schizo Incognito

Anger – Contemplating Me

A Conversation About Anger – Stop the Stigma

 A rit of fealous jage – Alienorajt

Anger – Never a Worry

Anger management – It’s a Lonely Place

Anger’s Alibi – Dream Cloud Diaries

Anger, Kyrielle Sonnet – Bastet and Sekhmet’s Library

Thoughts on Anger – Shadows of the Divine

Managing – A Thing of Grace

Memories of My First Rage – Traces of the Soul

Solution, Meditate – Hell on My Heels

To be Feared or Loved – The Seeker’s Dungeon

Anger Management – Writing Works in Progress

An Innocent Monster – Follow Your Shadow

P.S – I wanted to just write a story on it. Lately, I have been working on things and failing at them at the last stage of work. It gets really frustrating and I get angry a lot. It is hard to control anger or should I say throw it away.

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On Motivation

“A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.”
― Ayn Rand

For the last three days, I was searching for motivation. Something which can push me to write something and then push me further to finish it. Yeah, both are separate from each other. The push to start is not the same as the push to end. It seldom is same.

Have you seen an empty canvas? or an empty page? or a void in your life ?

They all let you imagine anything you want. They lay there looking at you. Waiting for you to put something on them – fill them up with something you want. They want you to act.

They become a beast, a demon for me. Constantly taunting me, looking into my eyes, with sinister smiles. And most people will stop there & run away or let it be or simply destroy the stage. The fear binds you and snatches that precious moment of action from you. So how do I act?

I like to keep my demons along. I like to mingle with them. I like to live around them.

When I am faced by one such demon. I simply say ‘Hello’ to it. If I look at a blank canvas – I would throw a color on it, or make any random stroke on it. If I look at a sheet of paper – I will doodle on it, scribble on it. I will place any silly idea into the void. The main point is – in case of fear – I take silly action, even if it turns out to be a mistake.

And that little silly action – motivates me to move ahead. The huge possibility of better & foolish things fills up my mind-space. That imagined world charged with the creative energy propels me to keep on moving. That is all the motivation one needs to keep on dreaming and keep on taking action.

Whatever one fills in those dreams – will affect the path one chooses, the mobility to get to the dream, the perseverance to face the problems, the tenacity to keep on a single path.
What you imagine will either motivate you or demotivate you. And sometimes will lead you to change paths or stop in your journey.

“Of course motivation is not permanent. But then, neither is bathing; but it is something you should do on a regular basis.”
― Zig Ziglar

And I am in love with it. No, Not with the fear. Fear is dreadful.

I am in love with the ability to change my imagination at will. I can keep evolving my dreams – I can keep changing them. It is amazing. However, the more dependent you are on the external sources for this imagination – the more dependent you are on others for motivation. They will decide it for you my friend.

From the recent meetings with friends, i came to know that generally people have this perception that I am aloof, proud, crazy, lonely, e.t.c. Sorry, if you feel like that. Well, some part of it is true also, and some of it is the ‘detachment’. I want to take control of my world. I am trying to work on it – it gets crazy sometimes. And that leads me to the last part – the part which motivates you to end it all.

The vision of the golden egg at the end of the line. The view of the goal post.
The excitement of getting to the last page. The satisfaction of the last stroke of brush.
The pat on the back or the hug from the loved ones. The achievement of standing on the podium or receiving an award.
The pride of increasing bank balance. The lust of an object.
The love of a person. The attainment of moksha.

To be honest,this part of motivation still eludes me.

At that stage, there is no demon left to taunt me. They are all standing beside me. The quest to growth keeps my imagination rolling and I keep on moving.
Sometimes I imagine that all these demons see their own finish line ;and at the sight of it, we all fall into a chaos of individual race to the finish. And sometimes I imagine that the vision of the golden egg does not mesmerize me. Howsoever it may be, I hope that in my journey when I decide to stop and look back at the path I traveled – I find the finish lines crossed.

“Do not stop thinking of life as an adventure. You have no security unless you can live bravely, excitingly, imaginatively; unless you can choose a challenge instead of competence.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt,

This post is part of the Dungeon Prompts Season 2 : Motivation.

UPDATE: Other contributors for the Motivation Prompt :

Role Model – The Story of an Ordinary Girl

Positive Push – Dream Cloud Diaries

Walking With Reason – MarthaOstout

Motivation – Writing Works in Progress

Motivation – Human in Recovery

What Motivates Me? (Haiku) – Traces of the Soul

Motivation – Cher Shares

Dreams – Writing Works in Progress

The Struggle Between Mind and Matter – The Seeker’s Dungeon

The Meaning of Motivation Changed – Shadows of the Divine

When You Call Me – SplitSpeak

One Square Root of One Percent – My Spirit Journey

 
Arigato. 🙂

The Mirror

“You remember you told me that I am your confidante.Don’t you?”

“Yes, I trust you with all the crazy secrets and personal feelings”

Smiling & little concerned, he was confused whether to put the question or not. The time has come to confront the last issue which may create, so deep a chasm between them that they may never talk again.

Mustering all his courage he put forth the incredulous possibility to her, ” Have you ever considered the fact that you have never met me in person. So, I may be just a lucid illusion, an Artificial Intelligence or just a figment of your imagination?

What?!…….. What do you mean?…… That…….. I have been letting all my inner feelings & thoughts to…….. a non-human being.” Confused she spoke in broken sentences. She found that there was a sense sincerity in his statement.’Was he telling the truth’ she wondered.

“No, you cant speak so spontaneously to me if you are an AI or machine or program of some sort. Moreover, I am almost disconnected from the virtual grid. You are a real person – don’t trick me into one of your fantasies.”

He laughed at her and replied,” Yes, the possibility of an AI can be rejected,now. And I am not conjuring any fantasy of sort.”
His tone became serious, ” But consider that possibility from a clear mind. Don’t deny the truth in that statement. For that I know my reality – the non-existence of any entity like me. I am unreal, don’t you think?

She was left brooding after reading his words on the glass monitor held in her hand. She considered all the possibility and each time she came to a conclusion that he may be just an illusion. All the facts about him can be produced from anyone. And his thoughts & mind always felt like her own. As if he was a part of her, not a whole part, instead a distorted whole of her. His reactions & response were completely different from any other person she met in real. Her eyes widened & she noticed that all his reaction seemed to be her own. Responses which was her, may be originating in her subconscious or unconscious being. She was startled at the realization. She was getting anxious & agitated from inside. All this time she was talking to an illusion.

“No….No….you have to be real. I deny your crazy proposition. You are tricking me into your story,after all you know so much about me.”

“Don’t worry dear, you will be alright. It’s time to let me go.” He messaged her.

“Don’t go away. Don’t leave me isolated. Please, don’t do this.”, She wanted to talk with him more.She didn’t want the end of it.

The screen-light turned off. Her eyes looked at the black glass screen in her hand. Slowly, the black screen widened & engulfed the whole sight.

EEErrIss

Little Eris opened her eyes. She looked around in the dim-lighted room. It was a simple room of the castle, not ostentatious a bit. There lay only the bed, a table, a lighted candle and a disfigured mirror in the room. Eris got up from the bed and sat in front of the mirror. The reflecting surface of the mirror moved around its hinges as if to look down to the girl.

“Hey! EeerrIss “ Eris addressed the image in the mirror in excitement & cheerfulness. The mirror tilted a little in her response.

“I saw this amazing vision today in my dream. Will you like to listen about it ??”. Mirror nodded in response. Eris started narrating the story of the girl in her dream.

The Mirror was her refuge from all the dreams she had. Well, those dreams were the life of Little Eris. The mirror disfigured more and more each day as she was growing older. In some way, it hoped that the little Eris can handle it all, when one day it will crumble under the stories she narrated to it everyday.

Arigato 🙂

The post is part of the Dungeon Prompt : Seeking Refuge.
I was reading some Science Fiction of late, just to be fresh, while keeping up with all the serious studies. So, tried my hand at this looped up fantasy. 😀 I will also write the reviews of all those books in December month.

UPDATE: Other contributors

Be Still and Know – MarthaOstout

Nature’s Force – Traces of the Soul

Tainted Refuge – Dream Cloud Diaries

Seeking Refuge – SplitSpeak

Seeking Refuge in Illusion – Writing Works in Progress

How to deal… with it – Thirty, Start, Go!

Where Nothing Else Matters – The Seeker’s Dungeon

Guilt Web

When you are fighting or working to reach the goal post; and time is one of the dimensions making the goal nearer – then you deal with Guilt often.
I am preparing for an exam which needs hard work & persistence, so I deal with guilt almost everyday.

I slept long. I slept early. I watched a movie. I went out with friends, I passed an hour in unproductive sites. I talked to a friend for hours. I went to market. I procrastinated. I wrote a blog post. I just laid on bed doing nothing. 😛

I have got so much to do and if I find myself missing my daily deadline then any of the above forms a guilt.

Guilt takes a form of Spider, living on the back of the head. Weaving its web, connecting a simple guilt of missing the goal with thousands of nerves. And each time you find yourself doing any of those activities – the web vibrates. Spider gets ready for its food. Slowly with each act it grows & grows.

It won’t bite now. No. It will wait. It waits for the time when you are going to take a decision. A decision which needs courage.

And then at that time it will inject the poison it has been building up for so long.

spider of guilt

Then it dawns upon you – you realize that it is either that you kill that Spider or you live with that poison circulating in your body.

The first way requires a lot of resolve, courage and will power. The Spider has grown so big that you will need a long sword to cut off its leg & behead it. It will be fast & arduous. Once you kill that spider and clear the cobwebs – you will be free. You would have come out to be a stronger being.

You will have no ‘Regrets’ to look for. You will only have your self-made future to look for.

Guilt is Good only when you have the courage to Eliminate it.

However, if you let that spider linger there long enough. Be assured that you have become a Slave. And the spider will keep spinning the web till the day you start cleaning it up or you die. You will confess to the God, ask help from your friends & family. It will still keep pricking you. It is not a simple devil to get rid of. Its whispers will affect each decision you make.

So many lives it has ruined it. So many it is ruining at present.

If you think that you will become stronger if you will let him prick you long.
Well, I can only say that – you will still be a Slave. A strong one, no Doubt. Still a Slave nevertheless.

So, if you have any spiders – clean your house of them. Clear your head. What the hell matters that you never did XYZ or ABC. Kill the spider. You have a future to look forward to. You can always do XYZ or ABC there. And if not – do something else.

I deal with my daily guilt, by squashing the crawlers each night.
I study late. I take less breaks. I abstain. I ignore. I keep awake.
Because I know

Guilt is nothing to be afraid of. It is something to be dealt with.

This post is part of Dungeon Prompt : Guilt – Illuminating or Engulfing the Darkness?. Plus it is part of my rant.

P.S – I have written two posta on guilt in the past also.

         My Spider of Guilt.   &
       
Guilt Free    <———-Use this Card to Kill your Spider.

Update: Other contributors of the prompt

Guilt: The Non-Emotion – Tracy’s Healing Art

The Orphan – Marsnplato

Guilt – My Spirit Journey

Digital Friendship – Dream Cloud Diaries

Introspection – MarthaOstout

No “Guilt Trips” Please – Traces of the Soul

Crying Out for Consciousness – The Seeker’s Dungeon

Guilt – Writing Works in Progress

Heaven’s Chains – Follow Your Shadow

Mad Times Ahead

Two months left for the UPSC mains examination.

Where do I stand? I am not sure about that.

Only thing I know is that these two months will be filled with madness. An insanity where I will be munching on books,materials,notes,magazines and newspaper. I will have to read & understand mountain load of information about myriad & trivial stuffs. Adding to the misery will be memorizing the facts. And even after doing all this – the surety of figuring out the probable questions reaches barely to 10%. To give you some idea :

Around 12-13 books of 300 page on avg.
15 something – 200 page coaching materials
last 8 months Yojana & Kurukshetra magazines
News paper notes,IYB…
….(cont)

That is not all which will make you helpless.

There are the mood swings, emotional roller-coaster ride, low social interaction, isolationist tendency, relationship issues e.t.c. Even in dreams you will be looking at the information,historical events, economic data flowing around. You totally disconnect with the world.
It is not because you deliberately do so – instead it is because you have so much to cover that you start backing off from other areas.
It is not that the issues which start arising in your life, its that they will compound your difficulty.

You must have heard people, who clear the exam, say, that they used to study for 16hr or 18hr or even 20hr. Well, this is the time when they did so.

This year will be epic. With changed UPSC course & pattern – everyone is on same level. It is battle between equals now.
After this grueling 2 months period – one will have to maneuver through the unexpected questions of the exam. Some will vomit out the recorded information, some will improvise with their creativity and some will just leave them to luck.
With back to back 5 day continuous examination – I wonder how the mental conditions of the aspirants will be like.

I am betting on ‘Insane’ – they will need to lose their steam off. The evening of 5th of December 2013 will be not less than heaven for many. And there will be some who will start craving for there next goal. Some will need medical attention.

So what have I got in my mind?

Well, I loved the last three months of blogging – I wrote so many posts & connected to so many new bloggers. It was really awesome. Plus the last three months helped me peek inside my writing ability. The Dungeon Prompts is one of the best prompts I found.

But now the time has come to shift the fireplace to other room. I have to go embrace the madness of the coming months.

I will write some posts when I would really need to get something out of my head. It will be rare event in the next month. It will be like diminishing return with each passing week.
And from November I will be on a one month leave. No Blogging. 😛

I will be back after the exams. 😀 And there will be no stopping after that.(I hope)

Arigato 🙂

Thanks for your wishes.
And Best of Luck to all the aspirants. We all need it. 😀

Emotionless

It was autumn.

“I want to be emotionless. Turn into a strong rock which will not react to any feelings.”

Thus spake the green Tree standing on the hill top. Watching the leaves, leaving the stems & falling down with each draft of breeze. Fruits have already been plucked from it and now, the greens are also leaving it. It wished that this loss be stopped forever. It was filled with melancholy & gloom.

It looked around to find a solution. Looking at the humans moving around in their boxes, it decided to protect the precious greens in boxes. It started boxing parts of itself from external forces. It boxed each new bud on its branches. It shew away the humans who came to pluck the fruits. Scared off the children away from it. In its goal to achieve rock like form – it covered all the greenery inside the boxes. It even stopped the roots to drink from the strange underground waters. Barriers were made for any force which may hurt it.
It only required the breeze, rain water & sunlight for its survival – and so it survived on them.

It was spring.

The Tree was delighted. It was the time for blooming flowers, budding seeds, hanging fruits, buzzing bees and chirping birds.
It was overwhelmed, looking at all the joy & green every where around. Though, it waited for some sweet bird to sit on its branch  & sing for him. Only crows came to sit on the boxes it has built. Not even a single bee came near the tree. There was no budding saplings around it. There was no sweet fragrance in the air.
Still, tree was complacent with just looking at others.

It was autumn again.

The Tree was excited to look inside the boxes. To get assured that not a single leaf falls this time. No sorrow should befall on it. It peeked into one of the boxes.

The Tree was devastated. There was nothing inside the box except foul smell & dust. Aghast at the sight, it realized that it secluded itself so deeply from everything that nothing bloomed on it. It became callous of even its own happiness. It got used to the absence of emotions & feelings. It shook off all the boxes & barriers it made for itself. And there it stood on the hill top – dark,black,rough,creepy, leaf-less,fruit-less, life-less – finally resembling a rock. It succeeded in its goal.

At this point, it started to cry and for days it cried.

Camera 360

“Hahaha…” ringed the ears of the tree. It was a Rock which was hanging near the tip of a cliff. Tree was confused at the laughter.
” You are a tree, right? Why do you look like me but still you are not me?”, asked the Rock.
“I wanted to be emotionless. I wanted to be like a rock. And now I have turned into one.” replied the Tree.
“Ha Ha Ha…” Rock went on with the hysterical laughter. Slowly tears also started pouring from it, while it kept on laughing.
“Listen you fool, listen to my story….”, the Rock said to the Tree.
“I used to be part of this unyielding hill, then one day I broke away from it. I wanted to be stronger than him. I went your way & placed barriers around me. I became a cold, edgy piece of earth. Then one day,a Sage came this way. He sat on top of me & started hitting me. Slowly, he destroyed all my barriers. He showed me the secret to be alive while being a rock. He pointed me to you – the earlier greener you. He said that as a tree grows each year bearing new leaves & fruits – you have to grow. Tree faces all the adversities of the nature and humans. Each season makes it more stronger helps it get over the periods of grief. And such you have to become – face the lashes of nature to become strong like this hill. Both the Tree & the hill will vanish from existence someday. What would matter will be the number of seasons they have seen. With each season they grow stronger, and so you have to grow stronger….”

The Rock went on with its story. Telling the Tree how the Sage transformed it. To handle emotions one need not leave the world. The world will make one strong and brave enough to face the life. Life never stops. Only choice one has is to balance the shades of emotions. Either by putting them into boxes or by growing up strong.

Soon, it was Spring season.

The Tree saw thousands of tiny green leaf buds filling his dead-looking branches. It looked at the Rock. The Rock had a small dandelion blooming over it. They smiled at each other and enjoyed the fresh breeze of life.

[Balanced life is to keep on growing from Autumn to Spring and from Spring to Autumn.]

Arigato 🙂

P.S – This post is part of Dungeon Prompt : Balance and the Art of Succeeding in an All or Nothing World. I am not sure whether I justified the prompt or not. UPDATE – Other contributors of the prompt :

The Judge – Marsnplato

Sacrifice for a Balanced Life – My Spirit Journey

Balance – Let There Be Peace On Earth

Let There Be Nothing – Dream Cloud Diaries

Emotionless – Contemplating Me

She Made a Difference – Traces of the Soul

Greatness, Part 1: MMA and the Art of War – A Holistic Journey

Floating in Water – Martha0stout

Mortality

It was morning and he woke up to the question of Mortality. Picturing the death of a beloved.

Many a times he has seen it. The eyes have fell upon bodies whose soul abandoned them. The image forms inside his head, looking for memories to connect with them. Hundreds of pictures come flashing out of the door – from movies, from life, from stories, from songs & some from imagination. Each with its own set of emotions & feelings.

Rage, Disgust, Joy, Love, Respect, Honor, Bitterness, Sweetness…

However, None influenced him. The brain has become immune to them. Such has his condition become. He recalls how he has blocked the overwhelming emotions inside his psyche somewhere. While never learned how to response to Death again.

Each time, the question of mortality confronted him – He felt like playing a game with the Reaper. At whose end, they both will come at a deadlock & leave each other pleasantly.

Reaper has tried playing many games with him.
Death of his Love. Death of a family member. Death of a close friend. Death of a mentor. Death of a leader. Death of a neighbor. Death of a countrymen. Death of a Stranger.
Each time he will see the tears flow from his cheek. Waiting with joy, for him to fold his cards.

He has faced more than one death in a day. Today, Reaper played him with the death of few Rapists also.
The emotions of intense rage & disgust took him. He saw their faces, being covered by the black cloth and then the lever being pulled. And their soul left the earth for their sake. It was justified he thought. The black pieces of cloth were pulled off the bodies. Then he faced the faceless bodies in front of him. Thousands of faceless bodies appeared around him. And he knew who were they. It was overwhelming for him. At this sight Reaper smiled, speculating a won hand.

But, he started to shut them off – one by one – some in caskets – some in earth – some in walls – some in hearth.

Reaper was perplexed at this and wanted to peak at his cards. What makes him keep playing till the deadlock ? What he has been dealt.

The cards dealt to him were all empty, without a trace of ink on them. He knew only one fact, he has been dealt – a precious & beautiful Life. Though, the cards look empty and the next move always seems risky. The Reaper was playing for this Life. And the only thing saving him was that which he has been taught and he has learned. That – Life can be what ever you want it to be.

In time, Reaper will win at his own game. It will take away him, his memories, his creations, his relations & his Life. Until then, he has to keep him in a stalemate and continue the game. After all, Time is one of those cards dealt to both of us equally. His becomes weaker while Reapers’ becomes stronger.

It was night and he needed his sleep. And then he wondered – how badly he needs this temporary mortality, only to wake up to his temporary immortality. Why can’t the Reaper be happy with this temporary deal?

The post was part of the Dungeon Prompt : Mortality and the Human Psych.

Arigato 🙂

P.S – this time I will be linking to other Dungeon Prompt writers also.
Update : Other contributors of the prompt.

Dungeon Prompts – Let There Be Peace on Earth

The Other Side – SplitSpeak

When I Go To Die – The Arkside of Thought

Mortal Lacuna – 5 Degrees of Inspiration

Let Him Be – The Story of an Ordinary Girl

Huitain: Do Not Untimely Mourne – Bastet and Sekhmet’s Library

Mortality and the Human Psyche – Liars, Hypocrites, and the Development of Human Emotion

Morrow’s End – Shainbird

Carelessness Follows Closely – The Seeker’s Dungeon

I’ll Tell Her Tonight – Traces of the Soul

Why Wait? – Traces of the Soul

5 Minutes ’til Showtime – Traces of the Soul

Death’s Masks – Marsnplato

What Does Mortality Really Mean? – Thirty, Start, Go