Prompt: Bleeding-dream

You said it today,
With your sweet voice and tight hug.
Beaming with joy and your pride.
With a gleeful expression
I stood there in wonder.
Feeling blessed and content.

Is it real or another of those dreams?
My stupid mind doubted.
This had happened many times,
in those silent nights
in those beautiful dreams.

I touched my chest,
I looked for the string,
the thin golden thread
which always connected us
in our dream.

I was afraid and sad now,
the string vanishes into dust
whenever you move away.
Would you turn around and move on now?
Anxious I was.

Your eyes pierced into mine
You nodded, assured me.
It is happening dear.
It is not our dream,
This is for real, she whispered.

Written for a lovely prompt : When my dreams bleed into reality. 

Arigato 🙂

[ My attempts at poetry are like a little boy’s attempt of weaving together words with affections and dreams. :P]

Pocket Diary -18

Back with the pocket diary. Well, I rarely write quotes in this diary now; as mostly I am reading books which goes into my book-diary plus I am reading amazing quotes on net in the form of typography and images. I broke the pocket diary series also. 😛 * sigh * it is hard to keep up with all these series. I need to stop making such promises to myself.

Now, the quotes:

M.Gandhi, ” You can not build non-violence on a factory of civilization, but it can built on self-contained villages.”

Gandhi has captivated me not only for his methods of non-violence and civil disobedience, but also for his ingenious way to create change. The above quotes shows it so perfectly – the cities or cradle of civilization get so mechanized that any type of change is hard to initiate effectively. Thanks to ‘Modern Marketing & Advertising’ it has become much easier to change consumer behaviour, but not character or nature. Non-violence being purely about change of character both inner and outer.

So, how about changing the culture in a society – about rape, about dowry, about corruption. Should we start from villages and build over it ?. Should we employ the consumer-attracting tactics to fuel the change? or Perhaps a combination of both or some new way?

From movie/novel ‘Perks of Being a Wallflower’, ” We accept the love we think we deserve.”

Love is hard to get ( & hard to understand).  I am still brooding over love reading this line. Do one accept the love that he/she thinks they don’t deserve ? Do they accept love without any foolish notion about deserving it ? What happens when one don’t get the love which one thinks he/she deserves? What about when gets overwhelmed by the love one gets?

(I like to think about love in third person rather than first person. Not wise to reduce one’s value or expectation about love on such silly musings.)

“Only Time knows when something has to die”.(Myself)

Think about it – perhaps Yama is Time God or Lucifer is Time or Grim Reaper is time or simply death is Time. Only Time points to the moment when something died. And we obsess so much about time (or may be death).

Kurt Vonnegot, “Use the time of a stranger in such a way that he or she will not fell the time was wasted.”

I know you must have compared this one with the last one. Ok, let me put it this way  – Time is Life. When Life ends time ends. As Kurt Vonnegot says – I better use a life of a stranger so that it does not feels wasted.

I hope I did not waste your time/life/death with this post. 😛

Arigato 🙂

Tipping on Codes

(Rant)

You know about my goals for this year (check here).

I am working on the coding this blog from scratch; hacking using resources on the web. And to make it clear – I am a computer science graduate. 😛

However, for the last 2 years I have been far far away from any programming language. I was busy pursuing other goals (tedious goals). I want to brush up my coding skills now. And it is getting annoying and exhausting for me. 😦

I am tipping on small small stuff. I am unable to write a good piece of code by myself. I am constantly asking the Google God about possible solutions. As I see it, I have not lost the basic concepts yet. Though, the language has taken new forms, so many new functionalities have been added. I am trumped by the amount of things you can do so easily now. I am still struggling even with improved functionality.

Now I understand how it must have felt when people used to come to ask about coding to me. I mean they were smart but still had problem figuring things out. *Sigh* I have a similar conditions now. And I do not even have anyone to ask about such little things, except googling. 😛

Further, about standards and professional looking site and code – I am still in amateur group. I am frequently trashing my designs and codes because they look shitty to me. It gets frustrating to end up with a bad output after hours of work. 😦

I am moving forward with half baked products now. I want to get to some end product – a good enough site. Then I will keep on iterating the process until I make it good enough. I wish to do it fast actually, like before the end of next month.

Well, do tell me if you have some good tip on writing a code. Actually tell me about some way to learn the new languages fast. Would really help ?

Arigato.

 

Getting to Zero

I came across this blog post by Callie Oettinger on Steven Pressfields’ blog.  The part about ‘Getting to Zero’ spinned me into an introspective mood.

…My read on Boyd’s “zero” is that getting to zero best enables you to live the person you want to be. You don’t have to get rid of every need (such as food), but everything else. . . Getting to zero gets you to your heart. It could also be that place that allows you to zero in on what’s important to you.

I started wondering how many times in my past have I touched the lowest point. And I mean, in life as a whole and not just in career or relationship or family e.t.c. If it is the ‘point-null’ then it is a crucial point in your life (not for a part of it).
This post is not about ranting – it is about looking at reflections of myself from the past. Pardon me if it gets boring or tiresome(and sorry, I for no pictures). Things like this is not what I talk about to anybody; it is all reserved inside. This is to let everybody in and let them also reflect back on it.

“Getting to zero gets you to your heart.”

This line poked through my brain, not heart. Because my brain now understands why it happened. Heart is an innocent one – it can only know the feeling of abyss not the Whys & Hows of it. The point is ‘Getting to zero’ does gets to your heart.

In this emotional state, one can only have his/her heart to grab on to – for help, for support, for hope. And in that moment of void – the action one takes defines him/her. The action directly comes from ones heart and pushes out the most powerful facet of the will of a person.

So, in the quest to know myself deeper – I want to know my ‘Zero-points’ in the past, and what action I took, and why.

As far as I can recall, I think one point came to me during y school days. When all your childish and childlike notions and the views of the world crumbles in the face of reality and competition. I cannot pin-point the year or any incident – but i think it was the ending 2-3 years of school. When I actually faced competition and had to take it serious.
So, what i did? – I went with the herd. I did not have enough mental sharpness to think of my own – I was simply an innocent being. I am clueless about what happened around me at those time. (Yeah, even at such an age.)

The next came when I faced the next wave of reality – graduating from college. By this time, I had started to read voraciously and was on a crazy ride to learn everything. I had acquired a personal way of thinking and reasoning. With all this knowledge – i became confused – too confused. I  had diverse and volatile interests. I can look into any direction and see some path which can be tread or which I can carve out. Made it so hard to choose any one of them.
( I find myself still in that same state confusion, but now I have started to walk on few of them – simultaneously – thinning myself at times)

 So in those moments of chasm, what i did ? I blamed. Blamed my fate. Blamed myself (mostly). Blamed all the unbaked and incomplete knowledge. Blamed the system. Blamed my education. Blamed my parents even. A frustrated, cynical, self-critical, negative… – these words would paint my inner mindset at those time. However, outside I was not like that – I was more or less normal – defending the inner vulnerable fool. This point placed me into more practical path to life – let’s just say I became a realist(or rational optimist not pessimist).

Any other ‘Null-point’ moments after that??

Two word Psychology and knowledge. I have come to unravel my inner psych and started to acquire external knowledge after the last ‘Null-point’.  Recently, when reading one of Dan Ariely’s book – I found these lines pointing to my reality –

“We are storytelling creatures by nature, and we tell ourselves story after story until we come up with an explanation that we like and that sounds reasonable enough to believe.”

I have become too good at self-story-telling. It does not mean I am living in my delusions. My stories have touch of realism and facts. It is the balancing of the ‘blacks’ and ‘whites’ of life to get a ‘Grey’ of my suiting. That is perhaps why I can give people a good advice grounded in reality, and yet shooting for the clouds.

Lately, I am feeling that I am getting close to my next ‘Zero’ moment in life. My curiosity is clamouring for it. My heart is anxious about it. My brain is avoiding it all the time.

I need some body or only a single soul to point to me the reality when it strikes me. Living in ones own delusional reality is far worse than the actual painful reality. One can remain in that void forever,if he/she does not stands up to the reality. I hope that person breaks it to me when the time comes. Or Perhaps I have found such person or I am still waiting for him/her.
(yesterday, when one concerned friend pointed it to me, i revised my story – I am yet to get to zero.)

Have you had such ‘null-points’ ? What did you find about yourself ?
(If you want to share it with me – I would be glad to hear it.My mail info is on About page for sharing it privately.)

Arigato. 🙂

P.S – Now after writing this I am wondering – is it also one of my ways to weave a story or is it a way to face reality?

Anger

I was squatting upon the branch of a tree, looking for a flock to land on the lake near by. One fleet of stocks landed on the waters to have their feed. Like them I was also waiting for my hunt for the day. I took aim at one of the big ones. Suddenly they all took off into the blue sky. I looked below the tree. A procession of monks were crossing the lakeside, chanting loudly, ” Buddham Sharanam Gachami… Buddham Sharanam Gachami…

I shouted at them, ” What have you done, you silly monks. I have lost my prey because of your chanting. Now, how will I feed my stomach today ?”

One of them came forward and replied, ” Sorry for disturbing my brother. But why so much rage against the poor birds ? What use is of this violence ? Let them live. Let yourself live without such grave burden”

“Hahaha….silly monk. How would I live if I let them live ?  Life feeds on life. And I would like to live. ” I retorted at his silly argument.

“As Buddha says, Life is such. But I request you to leave this violent way. Nature will take care of everyone. You can share our alms for today.”

He offered me a share of his alms – rice and some fruits. I got down from the tree-top and partook the food. I was very hungry and started chomping the fruits then and there.

Looking at me with a serene smile on his face, the monk said ,” Throw away your anger like the remains of that fruit. Your life will be much pleasant journey then.”

Saying that the group started back their chanting and moved on from the lakeside.

I threw away the remains of the fruit, completely clueless about what he meant. One flock of cranes landed in the lake. My stomach was satisfied for now, but not of my wife and child. I pulled the bow’s string, took an aim, made a kill shot. Their bellies will be full today.

***

Yama called me forth and looked at my soul with his cold and dead eyes. He was dictating Chitragupta something, glancing at me in short pauses. I looked behind the big black gate bordered with gold & silver plating. Its splendour was overtaken by its grimness. I looked behind the door – some Yamdoots were filling a pool with black greasy oily liquid. I remembered the childhood stories of ones body fried in oil afterlife – but there was no fire or any utensil.

My curiosity took hold of my soul and I asked Yama directly, ” What are they filling that pool with ? and what is that liquid for ?”

Yama tilted his head back and came back to me, ” It is fat-oil of the animals , they are going to bath you with it.”

Still confused,I sheepishly asked again, ” But why are you bathing me with animal oil ? Is that all one has to go through after death ?”

A glorious laughter resounded the hellish abode, Yama explained, ” That animal oil is from all those creatures you killed in your lifetime. And those arrows are all those arrows that you used to pierce those poor beings. With all your anger you have filled your life with – we will fire the hearth below the pool. Then you will be pierced with those arrows and then put inside the boiling grease. According to Chitraguptas’ calculation it requires that you be fried till three-forth of an eon.”

I was dumbstruck, baffled and shivering at the grim picture Yama just painted for me. I was paralysed from my bony toes to my strands of grey hair.
I recalled that incident near the lake side – the procession of the monks. Now I understood what he meant by throwing away my anger. Why in the heaven did I not take their advice ? Why? ….

….”WHY????” (I screamed inside)

– Arigato

This post is part of the Dungeon Prompt Season 2 : Anger Management. Other contributors list will be posted below after the end of the prompt week.

Update: List of other contributors

Kind of Defeated – MarthaOstout

Valentine’s Day – SplitSpeak

An Animal Caged – TJ Therien

Anger Management: Road Rage – Schizo Incognito

Anger – Contemplating Me

A Conversation About Anger – Stop the Stigma

 A rit of fealous jage – Alienorajt

Anger – Never a Worry

Anger management – It’s a Lonely Place

Anger’s Alibi – Dream Cloud Diaries

Anger, Kyrielle Sonnet – Bastet and Sekhmet’s Library

Thoughts on Anger – Shadows of the Divine

Managing – A Thing of Grace

Memories of My First Rage – Traces of the Soul

Solution, Meditate – Hell on My Heels

To be Feared or Loved – The Seeker’s Dungeon

Anger Management – Writing Works in Progress

An Innocent Monster – Follow Your Shadow

P.S – I wanted to just write a story on it. Lately, I have been working on things and failing at them at the last stage of work. It gets really frustrating and I get angry a lot. It is hard to control anger or should I say throw it away.

Drishti

Hey,

So I am posting my short story today. I wrote it last year and wanted to post it soon but procrastination is a bitch.

Check it out and please please please be honest with me.

I would love to have your feedback on it.

Help me improve the presentation skill with your tips if you may.(Should have I made a first cover page for it ?)

And also let me know – would you like the story to continue into a full length thriller novel?? I am not having any plot yet. It would be really interesting to expand the whole story. 😀

Arigato 🙂

Click the link below to read the pdf file :-

Drishti-1

Or link for the google drive file :

Drishti-1

P.S – If I have ever emailed you, you know who politesaint aka PS is 😉