(It’s a rant so don’t pick on grammar mistakes & this time I would like you to read till end – a little experiment)
Sorry, I don’t understand why I am so impatient today. I feel brimming with energy & this is making me anxious. May be it’s because I want to say things to somebody. I even tried that & talked to friends. But it is still there. And in desperation to solve it -I am writing this blog post.
And I really don’t know why is it like this today. I have decided to shut off my mobile – so no calls, no msgs & no whats app & other shit. I will disconnect the internet for the whole day after writing this post. I hope the detox might help me. I think being ‘always connected to the grid’ is filling me with so many thoughts & ideas that I am unable to mull over them. Or may be some interactions with people is reason for it. Or may be contents I keep on reading.
Actually, I found myself checking mail,fb,feeds & blog often. I think I am getting addicted to it. I need to detox from all this. Re- balance my mental & emotional state.
I see it as going back to my cave or shell. I need it somehow. I want to check my resilience & patience. I need to strengthen my will power against my mercurial moods.
Looking back on today – I felt good in the morning & I was in control even in afternoon. From evening I think it has snow bowled. It has been like that for few days & I have tried most of the methods I know of. Now, I want to try this one by putting all up on the table for anybody to look at. (It’s a personal experiment – sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t). One of my friend told me to share things like that -‘sharing is caring’. But I am the quite type,introvert type – it is hard to share everything. Even now I know I am going to put some walls here also.
I think it’s something related to my identity – as to what defines me. I even got philosophical over it. I was filling some bio for some site & every time I felt confused about it. I know what things I do or who I am but still I can’t structure them into clear letters. I am not sure what to put in those blank spaces.
In the evening,I saw this TED talk & i think it again threw me into this existential questioning.
Lately I have been trying to cut-off my extra interests for exam preparation. But I can’t stop myself from thinking about them. I mean I feel like a generalist – I want to be a polyamath. However, today’s job scenario doesn’t appreciates that (atleast not in India) or I am totally clueless about such places.
I am a Computer Science engineer by degree. And I can code but I don’t prefer to. I prefer the design part.
One will find scribbles on every copy of mine. I like making illustrations & concept artworks in photoshop. But I am still not so good at them.
And if I combine above two – i would like to be a web-designer.
But I also like to write. I mean I have written a first-draft of a bull shit novel. And I am in middle of reviewing & rewriting my second novel. So I think I can write somewhat.
I like to read books – serious books. And I will never leave that.
I am highly interested in technology – specially frugal low cost solutions. I want to become an innovator. I keep on coming up with many business ideas. Questioning the current way to do things. Making possible models for new flow of info,articles e.t.c. But it is limited by my knowledge.
And then there is the govt. job angle. I am still not sure about it. But the IAS tag is too blinding. Ans I think I can implement this strategic mindset, innovative thinking in implementing policies for the country. Though, those things are not restricted by that position.
And I can’t support anything else except my degree with any certificates or any experience.
See how frustrating it gets when I think about this career stuff.
Adding to the whole situation is perception of my age. I don’t feel like 24 I feel like time will slip by me & I will be 27 next year. I am not sure why this image is struck in my head.
And as the video says – I want to be all. And I don’t know how. I do think it’s possible to do all that. (If you have any recommendation for me – please do help me)
Sometimes I feel it’s so because I did all that sitting in my home. I need to travel more often. I need more real world experience. I would like to use my own- earned money to do that.
I think this rant has gone already too lengthy. And there are other issues which I have decided to shield away. So I will stop here. Thanks for reading(if you reached to this point). And thanks for your comment I would read them when I next reconnect.
Pardon me for this not so presentable post – it is a rant – it should look like one.
Update : – Thank You everyone for your comments & suggestions. 🙂